You're tied together with a smile, but you're coming undone.

To you, these things might seem like flaws. To me, these things taught me life lessons.

I'm vertically challenged. I still have to ask people to get things down from the top shelf for me. Being short has helped my climbing skills though, and having to climb to get to things a lot helped me get over a fear of heights. I've fallen many times from failed attempts, but it's taught me to get right back up on my feet again and move on.

I'm extremely emotional. A lot of people stay away from me because they think feeling so much means I have a lot of drama in my life. I don't. If anything, I've learned how to keep my emotions in check, and to not let them cause problems in my life. Sometimes I still hold it in long enough that it goes over capacity, and I can't keep myself together, but that's rare. I'm one of the most emotional people I know, but I just know how to hide it better than others.

I've got big hands, for a girl. When I was younger, I hated my hands. And any hands in general. I think they're just as ugly as feet. I especially hated how I didn't have cute little girly hands like everyone else. But I think the reason I don't is because it makes it easier for me to balance many things at once. Weak little girlish hands couldn't handle most of the things I deal with every day, and would not be able to hold as many people up as I do.

I get attached to people easily. This has made me rush into a lot of things that I shouldn't have in the past. But I always learn from it. Plus, it just means I care about people a lot. I see the good in people that most others don't, and I'm drawn to that. It's not a personal need for someone to be there, it's a desire to want to be there for them.

I have a problem with food. I'm pretty sure I have a weird eating disorder. I have trouble eating around other people most of the time, and I guarantee most of you haven't seen me eat. Sometimes when I'm alone I binge on junk food. And even when I feel like I'm starving, I'll take a few bites and not be hungry anymore. I don't do it because of body issues, and I have never purged. I don't know what you'd call it really. Sometimes I go a day or two without eating, and can feel perfectly okay. I'm still trying to figure out the silver lining to this flaw...

I have trouble letting go. There's a lot of things that I have finally moved on from that happened in the past. But I can't even tell you how long it took to finally get over those things. Because I get so attached, it's hard for me to let go of things. It takes months, even years for some things. But being able to hold on through all the bad times... sometimes that's a good thing. It means I'm willing to fight for what I want, and most people just give up so easily these days. That's why there's so many divorces; people give up so easily at the first sign of trouble, rather than working through it. If I ever get married, I will refuse to ever get a divorce, no matter how bad things might get. "You can't see the rainbow if you don't go through the rain."

I'm honest to a fault. I think lying is a waste of time, because life is too short to waste on people you don't enjoy being around and places you don't enjoy spending time at. Why bother lying? If you don't like someone, don't act like you do. If you're going to say something behind their back, make sure it's something you aren't afraid to say to their face. With that said, I try to keep my mouth shut about things that will cause drama. So anything I may say bad about someone without them knowing, is always something I would tell them in person, if they have the balls to ask me. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't say something if I did. I don't say things I don't mean, and I don't waste my time on people that I don't care for. Sometimes that comes off kind of mean, but would you rather me pretend to be your friend when I'm not? I didn't think so. If you ask my opinion, chances are I probably won't sugarcoat it. You asked for honesty, and if you can't handle the truth you shouldn't ask me for it when you know I'll be really up-front about it. Honesty is a good trait to have.

I'm very straightforward about my feelings. I've only truly been in love once, but that doesn't mean I haven't loved many different people. Loving someone and being in love with someone are totally different things, and I've definitely loved a lot of people. I fall for guys, sure, and care about them enough to know that I love them, but that doesn't require me to be in love with them. I'm in love with love. And if I like you, I'm going to tell you. I don't like to waste time. I'd rather know right then and there if you feel the same way, because if you don't, then I'll get over it and move on. It's that simple. Some people hate this about me because they don't like how direct I am, but it just helps me weed out the people I do and don't want in my life.

I have crazy mood swings for no reason at all. Probably one of my worst qualities. But I know that anyone who can handle my chaos of emotions is someone who I want to stick around. My closest friends know how to snap me out of my moods, and that's why I love them.

I know I have plenty of imperfections. I could go on for days like this, but I won't because you get the idea. My biggest weaknesses are also my biggest strengths. I truly believe that. And if you think about it, you'll realize yours are too.

Maybe I'm just too old-fashioned.

I don't understand how people can jump into relationship after relationship so easily or so quickly. I can count on one hand the number of actual boyfriends I have had since freshman year of high school. Most people I know can't even count them all on TWO hands. Why? Why is it sooo important to constantly have a boyfriend/girlfriend? I just don't get it. Like, I understand not wanting to be alone. Makes sense. Everybody wants to feel loved, and like they matter to someone. But hopping from one person to the next so quickly..? Most of the people I'm talking about are the ones who date someone for a few weeks, maybe a couple months, and then break up only to be dating someone else after a couple weeks or sometimes less. Yet during the last relationship you were telling each other "I love you"..? Yeah. I'm so sure. If you were so "in love" you would've tried harder to stay together in the first place, and you wouldn't have moved on to the next person already.

There's this thing called having time to yourself too. Maybe you haven't heard of it, so I'll explain. You can't really know who you are if you're always in a relationship, because then you're trying to be what that person wants rather than being yourself. You may THINK you're being yourself, but if you're always with a different person, how do you know? Sometimes you've gotta take some time away from relationships and just stay single for a while. It's good for you, I promise. You can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself first. And you should never let a boyfriend/girlfriend define you. By going from one immediately to the next, that's essentially what you're doing. And my guess would be because you most likely are too afraid to be yourself in fear of people realizing they don't like the real you, that you date so many people to try to hide behind whatever mask you put on for each person you date.

When you have such short relationships with so many different people, you aren't really even learning anything. The whole point of a relationship is to grow and experience new things. If you're only with someone for a month or so, that's hardly enough time to get to know each other, let alone experience all the different things in a relationship that makes it worthwhile. So why bother making anything "official" every time you start talking to someone new? Get to know each other first, then build a relationship from that. Isn't that how it's supposed to work? There's nothing wrong with getting to know a few different people at the same time before going into an actual relationship, you know. That's part of the whole process. If you limit yourself to one person at a time and never stay single, you're basically losing opportunities to meet other people who could potentially be better matches for you than the one person you settled for. I'm just saying it because it's true. There's no fun in constantly being caught up in a relationship and never getting to know other options.

Looking at my relationship history, you could say I almost always have a guy around. But how many of them were actual boyfriends? And by that, I don't mean boys that I was sort of dating for a week or so. I mean actual boyfriends. FOUR. Sure, I tend to almost always be "talking" to someone, but honestly? I don't ONLY talk to them necessarily, and I don't let the fact that we're talking keep me from socializing with other guys either. And so far that method hasn't failed me. If we end up "talking" for close to a month, it ends up turning into a relationship. If it's less than that, usually the guy isn't worth my time, or it's because he blows me off. I will say that there was only one of those boyfriends that I didn't really talk to until we started dating, and that relationship lasted for a year and a half. But he was my first love, so that makes an exception to the rule. The other guys? We talked for about a month before officially being in a relationship. I got to know them before making a decision about whether or not I wanted to be with them, rather than saying, "Hey I like you, and you like me, we should date!" By getting to know them first I was able to make an INFORMED decision. Two of those relationships lasted for a full year (one was off and on a lot though, but that was freshman year so I was pretty young still) and the third only lasted for a total of two months (he had the personality of a sheet of paper, and I was his first girlfriend so he was really awkward about it). See? It's really not a bad approach. c;

Maybe I am just far too old-fashioned, thinking that a girl should be courted before you ask her to be official. Or maybe I'm just too difficult, being really picky about who becomes an actual boyfriend. I tend to let my guard down and fall really easily, and honestly I probably shouldn't since I almost always end up hurt. I don't know. But I feel like anything else I continue to say will just be redundant now, so I'll just summarize again really fast. Takes some time off between relationships to spend time alone and with friends. Don't settle for just anyone because you'll miss out on getting to know other people. And if you're going to date someone, get to know them before rushing into things, that way you'll know after a while of talking if the feelings are real or not. There's billions of people in this world, you know. You're allowed to be picky. c:

This One's for You.

This is for the girls who don't always win. Who stay up all night comforting friends. Who smile when they hurt, cry when they're happy, and laugh when they really don't get the joke. The girls who still have hope that a prince truly awaits them with a fairytale ending. Who get their hearts broken by boys who never were good enough for them anyway. The girls who may never have it easy. Who work their hardest only to end up with less than they deserve. Who let go of the ones they love just to see if they'll come back. The girls who refuse to listen to what they've heard. Who end up learning the hard way. Who tell other girls they're beautiful, because it's what's on the inside that counts. Who would do anything to make someone else smile. The girls who believe there is something in this world worth fighting for. Who give all they've got and never take. Who publicly make mistakes and are okay with that. The girls who wear their hearts on their sleeves. Who have been laughed at and spit on, but still stand tall with their heads held high. The real girls.

I want you to know that no matter what life puts you through, you will get through it. Because that's what girls like us do; we get through it. You are amazing and beautiful, and I believe in your ability to conquer any obstacle that gets in your way. Keep doing what you're doing; it gives the rest of the girls hope that they can someday be as great as you.

I love when things I wrote in the past apply to the present.

I'm sure I've posted this before, but I don't care. This poem is IMHO probably one of two favorites/best I've ever written. I wrote the first half of this sometime during freshman year of highschool, and added the second part during sophomore year. It's the poem I recited at the Revue sophomore year. And the form and punctuation on here is probably wrong/different than how it was when I originally wrote it, but oh well. It probably reads better as I just wrote it here. c:

"Blinded by Fake Love"

It's sad that you thought

I couldn't see

Through your lies,

Your disguise.

It all comes as no surprise-

I can see

In your eyes

The truth that you try

So hard to hide.

And it's sad that you think

I still care.

You're trying to hold on

To something that's not even there,

And now you're stuck with

Trouble to bear.

I can see in your eyes

All of your nightmares.

It hurts me to see

Your despair

Even though you're to blame.Things just don't seem the same,

And every time I hear your name

I want to cry.

And I'm not sure why,

But it's killing me inside...

And I can see the way

You keep trying to play

All these games

With my mind.

Oh, but honey,

Don't you know?

I can see in your eyes

The demons that lie inside,

And they reveal the truth

Behind your show.

And how could you be so low

To try to play me like you did?And how could I

Be so naive

To let you in

To my heart,

The one part of me

That's easiest to break.

But now I can see

(Through my own eyes)

That this love was just fake.You were my biggest mistake.

This is my final goodbye;

I'm done with heartache.

Just a thought on all this anti-abortion nonsense...

Why are people STILL throwing fits about abortion? I've seen more and more posts shared on my News Feed lately about how it's unethical, blah blah blah. I understand you were once a fetus as well, but are you that fetus? No. Is it growing inside your body? No. Is it personally affecting you physically or causing you some harm by a stranger deciding to terminate her pregnancy? No. So why do you all have your panties in a twist about this? I am obviously all for voicing your opinion; I do it constantly and most of the time obnoxiously. It's great that you have something that you stand up for and believe in. But when you start shoving beliefs down other peoples' throats that are based on religious morals and ethics... That's when it reaches the point of ridiculousness.

Abortion is common. And the only difference between that and miscarriage is the fact that it was a choice. Women miscarry all the time due to complications within their own body, but are you screaming at them for killing a child due to things they can't control? No. But maybe they're glad they miscarried, because they didn't intend to have the child anyway. Would you be as angry toward them as you are the women who intentionally aborted their fetus? I doubt it. Why? Because it wasn't their choice. When you think about it though, it really isn't any different. They still didn't want the child either. Shouldn't that make them equally as bad in your eyes as the women who obtain abortions? Yet, people feel sorry for women that might potentially be glad they miscarried and judge those who choose to end the pregnancy. It isn't fair when you think about it.

Of course, most of the arguments people like to make about this have to do with their religious upbringing. They believe the fetus has a soul, that God intended for her to have this child or she wouldn't be pregnant, that it's unnatural, etc etc. And the other arguments are generally based off of other personal ethics. All I have to say about the religious view is that there are billions of people in the world that do not practice your beliefs. And as far as the other personal ethics go, if it doesn't affect you personally, get over it. It isn't your life, your body, or your unborn child. We have plenty of children in need of a home already, why are you trying to force them to bring a new life into this world that they do not want to or cannot actually take care of? Instead of worrying about the unborn children, worry about the ones who don't have parents.

And then you've got the people who are against abortion except for cases including rape, incest, or when it is life-threatening to the mother. I don't think there should be any gray area when it comes to ethical debates. Either you think it's wrong or you don't. It's that simple. The life-threatening situation is totally understandable for you to support, but either way you would be losing a life and gaining another. So if in all other circumstances the baby's life is that important, then why is it suddenly the mother's life is now more important than the baby's? She's had her chance at living and has enjoyed her time here, so why not let the baby have a chance if it matters so much to you? Think about that. For the rape cases, I won't even touch that topic. And incest? The main reason for this being "okay" is what, because of physical or mental deformities of the child, right? Please correct me if that's wrong. But if that's the case, then what about the other handicapped children? Many doctors can find these issues during the pregnancy, so in this instance, you're basically saying they should be "okay" for abortion too. Right? Basically what I'm getting at is most of you who are on the fence about this argument are being hypocritical, which is why I think this should be in black and white. It's either right or wrong in your opinion. There should be no other option, because it opens too many possibilities for other arguments of what situations are and are not acceptable.

I'm not saying I like abortion, by any means. So if that's what you got out of this, then I apologize. I am not promoting it or saying I would ever have one, nor am I saying I'm against it. I think that it's a personal choice, and other people should have no say in what happens about someone else's fetus. People outside of the situation should not be dictating what other women should do with their lives. And the government should not be allowed to legislate on an issue based purely on personal beliefs either. Voice your opinion if you will, but don't make them feel guilty about making a choice for their own lives. Maybe if you were in their situation, you would understand better. Instead of throwing all these anti-abortion messages around, you should be supportive and respectful of the fact that it is indeed her body, her choice, and her possible emotional trauma to follow. After all, you know her name, not her story; you know what she's done, not what she's been through. Respect and love, don't judge and hate.

Leben. Lachen. Lieben.

The title consists of three German verbs; leben- to live, lachen- to laugh, lieben- to love. These three words will become a part of me, right next to the phrase "amor vincit omnia" (love conquers all, Latin) that is tattooed on my left hip. Many people look down on tattoos and piercings; they think you are defacing your body in horrible ways. But what is so bad about it, really? It's a personal choice. Piercings aren't permanent, so people need to stop playing that card. And as far as that goes, gauges that are small enough CAN be shrunk. My ears are double gauged to a zero and a two, and I guarantee if I leave them out long enough they will shrink. So don't get me started on that. Piercings can be removed, so stfu about them.

And when it comes to tattoos, I will agree that some people get them "just because". I think that the only stupid reason is a lack of reason. Some people see their body as a canvas, and choose to decorate it as a form of art and personal expression. I find that intriguing and beautiful in its own form. Others, like me, have meaning behind every tattoo they have or want. It's our way of wearing our hearts on our sleeve, so to speak. Don't be so quick to judge just because you see someone covered in ink. You may know their name, but that doesn't mean you know their story. To your eyes they might not be attractive, but that does not make them any less beautiful than the rest of us. The fact that you judge them based on their skin and not on their heart makes you less beautiful. It kills me to see people hating others based on such trivial things.

Hate. Doesn't it always come down to that? This world is so full of it, and I want to change that. I probably sound like a huge hippie when I say this, but everyone needs to spread the love. I don't care if that is something as little as holding the door open for five seconds longer for a stranger, or as big as sending in large donations to charities. Everybody deserves happiness and if we don't try to make the world a better place, who will? I honestly believe that if everyone were to go out of their way for at least two people each day in a random act of kindness, this world would be happier. It's called paying it forward. I'd think you would want to do so, that way when you're gone people remember you for the great things you've done. You don't know how much time you have to live, so why not spend your time trying to make life easier for other people? c:

Let me tell you a real story from my life. Once upon a time, I was the epitome of unhappy. I tried to act like I wasn't, and usually I pulled it off. One day I was driving and saw a homeless man standing at an intersection, watching as car after car passed him by. I'm sure most people avoided looking at him so they wouldn't feel as bad ignoring him. As I inched closer, the light turned red again, and I was stopped next to him. As a sixteen year old, I didn't exactly have a lot of money, so all I could scrape up in my car was about a dollar in change. I gave the coins to him. I cannot even describe the look of pure joy on his face when I handed him that small amount of money. To him, something was much better than nothing, and instantly I felt happier too. He went back to standing where he was, but this time with the hint of a smile on his face. I realized that things could be worse, and I have a lot to be grateful for. I'm blessed to have so many people that love me and care about me. Some people don't have that.

Since that day, I've gone out of my way when I've had the chance to do things for other people to make them smile. When I see pennies on the ground that are tails up, I flip them over and hope a child will spot them. Remember how excited we used to get when we'd find those? I still get excited about it. I randomly bake things and share with anyone I see. Who doesn't love homemade brownies or cupcakes? Text messages to someone on his/her birthday is always more personal than a Facebook wallpost, so I always try to text them if I can. Don't you feel more special when someone has to go out of their way to send a text rather than a quick "happy birthday" on your wall? I write inspirational notes on mirrors in dry erase marker, or leave them on Post-its where others will find them. Wouldn't you feel better about yourself if you walked into the bathroom and the mirror said you looked beautiful? Exactly. The smallest gestures can have the biggest impact on someone.

Along those same lines, by acting rude to someone it can really push them over the edge. You may be having a horrible day, but you should never take it out on someone else. For all you know, they might be suicidal and your snarky comment could be the last one they ever hear. Don't let yourself be that person. Suck it up, and be kind to others even if you haven't been having the best day. Making someone else smile is sure to make you feel better. Good karma will always come back around, and you'll be grateful when it does.

Not only have I seen people being cruel to others, I've started seeing more and more people being cruel to themselves. Mostly girls, but some guys as well. I am constantly hearing people tell me that they think they aren't good enough. That they aren't smart enough. Pretty enough. Important enough. Nice enough. Funny enough. The list goes on and on... But I don't think they understand what they're saying. Everyone is good, smart, pretty, important, nice, funny, etc. Some more than others, but to place people in such an order would involve OPINION. And opinion is not fact, as we all very well know. You are enough to make you you. Nobody else can ever be all of those things in the same way that you are, which is what makes you so important. Everybody is somebody, and I promise that you mean something to someone. You all mean something to me, otherwise you wouldn't be on my friends list! c; You're enough for anybody, and anyone who doesn't see that or appreciate that isn't enough for you.

Then I get to hear the argument that if you're so awesome you wouldn't be single. BAH! All I have to say to that is this: People tell me how awesome I am all the time, and I'm single. BOOM. Okay, so you'll tell me that it's my choice to be single blah blah blah. Well in that case, it's your choice too. I'm sure you know somebody would be more than happy to date you, you just have standards set too high, or you don't feel the same way. Therefore, YOUR CHOICE. Don't try to argue this point with me, I will win. If you are reading this and you are single, then you are single because you're too amazing to settle for less than you deserve. I promise you aren't "forever alone". You're a much stronger person for being able to handle all the things life throws at you by yourself, whereas those in a relationship have someone else to rely on or to share the burden with. You're tough, and I respect that.

And I'm not saying relationships make life easy. I know that's not true!!! Relationships are tough too, I'm not trying to belittle them. If you're reading this and you are in a relationship, then that's very exciting! I'm glad you've found someone who makes you happy and that you enjoy spending your time with. It's not easy to find, so when you come across it you have to hold on to it as long as you can. And if it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world. It just means there's someone better waiting out there for you to find them. So keep looking. They're out there. Don't give up hope because of how badly one relationship ended. Use it to make a happier beginning with someone new. You're going to get burned, bruised, crushed, and scarred. But that's love. If it was easy, it wouldn't be worth having. And you know it's definitely worth fighting for. c:

As a side note, I hope all of you take the time to find joy in the little things in life. People take things way too seriously sometimes, but it's okay to have fun once in a while! If you do something embarrassing, laugh at yourself! It eases the tension and you don't feel like everyone is laughing at you because they would be laughing with you. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten myself out of awkward situations by laughing it off. Also, appreciate the people around you. Tell them you love them as often as you can, and continue to remind them that they are important. Reminisce about being younger and naive, and joke about how silly you were. Just make sure to recount the lessons you've learned from those experiences, and use them to grow and become a better person. Laugh about the things that once made you cry, because you realize now that it wasn't the worst thing that could happen. Cry about the things that once made you laugh, because you realize now that things change in the blink of an eye and you can never go back to those memories. Talk to old friends as often as possible, because you realize now that they are the ones who have made you into who you are today. Make new friends every day, because you realize now that they could be the people who shape you into the person you will become later in life. And most importantly, smile. It makes the world brighter. c:

So, that's my pointless ramble for today. Maybe you've read this and found something useful, who knows. I hope that if you read through this completely, you walk away with at least this much: (1) Live. (2) Laugh. (3) Love.

I just need to vent a little.

You said forever. I wish I had known that to you forever was only until I left for college. I know I’m better off without you, because any guy who would throw me away like that doesn’t deserve me. But it’s not you that I miss so much, it’s what we had together. My biggest fear has always been that one day I would wake up and people would realize they just don’t care about me anymore. I always thought that was an irrational fear, something that would never really happen. Well guess what? You did that. You woke up one day and realized you didn’t care about me, you didn’t want me anymore. And of all people to do that to me, it was you, the one person I trusted more than anyone in the world. Thank you for making my worst fear a reality. I gave you all of me, 170%. I never betrayed you, never intentionally hurt you. But you did that to me and tried to say I deserved it because of petty things I had done in the past. Why? Why is she better than me? What does she have that I don’t? The only conclusion I can come to, is convenience. She’s there and I’m not. You’re far too needy to be able to deal with a girlfriend being three states away, even though you would see me once every month or two. You are so dependent on a relationship to define who you are that without a girlfriend RIGHT THERE you don’t know what to do with yourself. And honestly, that’s more pathetic than the boys who come running back to me after I’ve broken their hearts. You say you’re the best of all that I’ve been with; I call bullshit. They would never have hurt me like you did. And even now, when you’ve run off with this other girl and forgotten all about me, they’re the ones who are helping me pick myself up. So f*** you. I deserve better than you. I can’t wait for the day when you realize what you’ve lost.

Insert Clever Title Here

I want to know why I'm spending an hour in the counselor's office one day a week. Okay, so I understand the two huge panic attacks within twelve hours of each other was kindof a big deal, so they wanted to get me help. But honestly, counseling isn't helping anything. All I do is talk about my life and have her tell me I'm doing exactly what I should be doing to prevent the anxiety. Why do I need to talk to someone about things that I can analyze myself, when all she insists is that I need to get on a better sleep schedule? It's frustrating! I blocked him out of my life in every way possible, I get out of my room to spend time with friends, I don't skip classes, and I'm not moping around all day. I'm over it, I promise you. If I wasn't, there have been a few things that would have triggered more attacks by now. Trust me. So tell me whyyyyy I have to continue making these appointments?

Don't get me wrong- I love talking about myself (obviously). And it's pretty awesome because her job is to listen, so that means I can just talk as much or as a little as I want. I'm a pretty open book; if you ask me something I will tell you straight-up. If you don't want to know, then don't ask; it's that simple. People will see that I'm upset about something and ask if I'm okay, and then when I start to vent they get this expression like "Oh, I was just expecting you to answer 'fine' just so I felt like I tried to help even though I really don't care about your life or your problems". Uh, HELLO!?!? Don't ask me if I'm okay if you don't want an honest answer. The only time I tell people I'm fine when I'm really not is if I know they're just being nosy, or if I'm trying to keep myself from completely falling apart. I don't mind venting to people, but breaking down in front of them is a whole different story. Talking about my problems doesn't bother me, but when I'm about to lose it and just start crying... I just don't like people seeing me that vulnerable. Ever.

So, the counseling thing... She's a wonderful lady. I enjoy talking to her, because she really is nice and seems like she truly just wants to help. But the thing is, there are so many other girls in this school, this country, this world even that need a lot more help than me. She said so herself that I know what I'm doing. I'm not being harmful to myself or others in any way, and I'm dealing with my current situation(s) to the best of anyone's ability. There is nothing anyone can do or say that could possibly make things go more smoothly than they are right now. So why should she focus on me and my life? There are plenty of girls that need her help more. If I want to talk that badly, well, that's what I have a blog for, right? ^_^ I feel like I'm almost wasting her time when she could be counseling someone that is clueless on how to recover from whatever tragedy has struck them. But no, instead she'd rather learn about my life and experiences and the things that have made me who I am today. I almost feel like I'm some sort of experiment... Like she is observing me to figure out how I became to be this kind of person, so she can direct other girls down that same path to recovery. I don't know. That's just my thought.

Aside from the counseling, things are basically back to normal, whatever "normal" may be. I've been learning new songs on guitar and uploading videos like crazyyyy. I've been working basically all weekend every weekend. I get to see my friends and family back home later this week, and I didn't realize how much I missed home until I made the trip back official. I also have been caught up on my homework for once, so that's exciting news too! Only thing I'm falling behind in? Newspaper. Yikes. I had two articles (sports, of all things!) due yesterday and I just can't bring myself to write them! It's awful. :c I'll get them done eventually though. AND TONIGHT after I get off work, I'm going with my roommate to Hampden-Sydney College to meet up with another friend for the night and hang with some boys. BOYS. Yes, I said it. BOYS. I miss having guy friends around, and I can't wait to meet some FINALLY! :D I guess that's it for my minor update/rant. Have a lovely rest of the weekend! <3

Always Loved, Never Forgotten

This was originally intended to be a letter to my friend overseas, but after writing it, I realized it was more of a possible blog post than anything. Let me just say to start off with that I hope the entire Hooper family is doing well, along with Rachelle. They deserve prayers still, a year following the accident that took Matt's life.

A year ago today I lost one of my close friends. His name was Matt Hooper. We met the summer of 2007 during the summer school musical, and over time we started to fall for each other. Beginning of my sophomore year (2008) we started to have a "thing". He was a junior at West Vigo. Unfortunately, when we finally started to try dating, neither of us could drive so it was nearly impossible to get from the south end of town to West T to see each other. We hung out that Halloween, and within the next two weeks we decided we were better off as friends because we would never be able to spend time together like we would want to. In November I dated a different guy, but we broke up mid-December. About two weeks later I started dating Brad. We broke up in March for about four or five weeks because I thought I wanted to see other people (Matt), but Matt had started dating Rachelle not long after and had given up on me. In April I decided to get back together with Brad. That summer during the musical, Brad found out about the thing Matt and I had together. At the rehearsals we always hung all over each other, and it seemed as if we actually were a couple. Out of jealousy Brad decided he didn't want me to be friends with Matt. At first I resisted. I was crazy about Matt, and I wasn't going to just stop being friends with him. But over time I gave in, and Matt and I quit talking regularly, only having secret conversations about how we still felt about each other maybe once every month or two. It was awful not being able to be with each other. Eventually we felt more deeply for Brad and Rachelle, and I pushed everything out of my mind to focus on my actual boyfriend.

When Brad and I finally broke up for good, Matt tried befriending me again. His girlfriend hated me as much as Brad hated Matt, so I told him it was a bad idea. I didn't want to start drama between me and Rachelle, or be the cause of any stress on their relationship. She made him happy, and that's all that mattered. At one point he was dying to see me, so I met up with him to go to the movies... but I took Brad's sister/my best friend (Tara) with me, and practically ignored him the entire time. I'm not proud of that by any means. Had I known it was the last time I was ever going to see him... well, there's no changing the past. So later toward the very end of summer (beginning of my senior year), he and Rachelle [temporarily] broke up. We started talking again and were on good terms. We were literally talking every day for a while. Eventually we made plans to see each other. Sometime during the days leading up to us hanging out, they got back together, but we still planned to see each other. One Monday, I spent the entire school day at Regional Hospital. The next afternoon, my grandpa died. It was September 21, 2010. Matt comforted me to the best of his ability. We had to postpone our plans due to funeral arrangements.

In early September, I had been voted onto homecoming court, and homecoming week started September 27, the coming week. I was excited, and things began looking up after the funeral had been taken care of. That Sunday, September 26, I decided to temporarily move in with my grandma so she wouldn't be living alone. I went to bed that night, exhausted from the funeral, but stoked for homecoming week. Around midnight, my phone kept ringing. I was too tired to comprehend, and kept hitting ignore. At one point I looked at the screen to see who it was, and not recognizing the number, I continued to ignore it. Eventually I woke up, realizing whoever was calling me so persistently on a school night must have something important to say, so I listened to a voicemail from my friend Sarah from West Vigo. I hardly ever talked to her except during the summer musicals, so it seemed odd to me. She was bawling in the message and I couldn't understand it, so I called her back to see what was wrong. There was a car accident, she told me. Matt was in the car with some friends and they were hit by a semi on the highway. Worst of all, they were almost to his house when it happened. Matt didn't make it.

I was shaking as I got off the phone with her. I couldn't breathe. I had to go home, so I called Brad to meet me at my house (although we were broken up, I didn't know who else would understand or listen). I then called my sister, Natali, and had her stay on the phone with me until I got home safely. It was around 1am. When I got home I woke up my mom and broke down. She tried her best to comfort me until Brad showed up. He stayed for maybe about an hour, but had to leave because he had class in the morning. I didn't sleep that night. I was a zombie at school the next day. Somehow everyone knew. First my grandpa, then Matt. I lost two people close to me in less than a week, and I was a mess. Everyone gave me looks of pity; I couldn't stand it. I was crying nonstop between classes, during classes. I continuously had to leave to go to the bathroom because I was sick of everyone staring at me and feeling sorry for me. I went through homecoming coronation and the entire week a huge wreck.

Within the next couple weeks, Sebastian and I started seeing each other. He pulled me out of my depression somehow, and a month later, we were together. Had it not been for him, I probably would not have lived past October 2010, literally. I've come to realize from that experience that I will be okay, no matter what awful situation I am put in. That fact is the one thing that helps me through this current breakup with Sebastian.

Even in the darkest days, there will always be someone who is standing there with a light to help you find your way out. It hurts a lot to let go of him, but I have to. He got me to where I am now, and I owe him thanks for that. But he was just another stepping stone to get me to where I will end up in life. He was a great friend to me when I needed him there. And we had an amazing love while it lasted. But all great things must end, and they lead to better beginnings with better people. I'll be okay.

Matt, I miss you and I always will. Wherever you are, know that I loved you first, and I'll love you most no matter who I am with in the future. RIP 04/08/92-09/26/10 <3

This is New

Ever since our garage/house fire in mid-July, everything around me has slowly but surely been changing. And now after being in college for a month, absolutely nothing is the same. I'm not sure if I like these changes yet or not.

First our garage burned down, and part of the roof of our house; we relocated to a hotel but after a few days I couldn't handle it and went to stay at my grandma's, and occasionally friends' houses when I was able to. Moving out mid-July was awful. I only had a little over a month left until school, and I was floating around from place to place and trying to deal with not having my own personal space for a long time. When I came to school it was a little better because I had my own official bed and space, but now I'm sharing a room. Not that it's a problem; I like Julia (my roommate) a lot. I just miss my own room. And now when I go home, the entire house will be remodeled and redecorated and I'm not even going to recognize it anymore. I hate that I didn't appreciate the comfort of the familiarity when I had the chance.

A few days ago, I got dumped. We'd been together for nearly a full year at this point, and he had even bought me a promise ring a couple weeks before I left for school. I understand long distance is difficult, but if you really love someone that much, you'll make it work, right? Apparently not. He said his feelings changed. Whatever. All I know that's true about this is that I'm alone now, and have to adjust to being single for the first time in an entire year. It's scary as hell thinking about putting myself out there again. I've never been dumped before, and any pain I've felt of a breakup was always my own doing. But having my heart really and truly broken for the first time? I don't even have words to describe how much it hurts. And although I am doing much better now than I was before, that doesn't mean it's stopped hurting or that I no longer think about it. I do, every day, all day. It kills me to know I've lost such a great relationship just because he doesn't want to deal with me being so far from home, or because I'm now an inconvenience in his life and no longer part of his life plans. It's tragic, really. But, as Taylor Swift once wrote, "People are people and sometimes we change our minds, but it's killing me to see you go after all this time." I wish him the best, I really do, but I'm going to miss him like crazy. I guess things happen for a reason, of course, I'm just not sure what that reason is yet. I hope I figure it out someday.

So, let's recount: house fire, college life, single. Doesn't sound so bad in the end, does it? I guess it's not the end of the world, but some days it feels like it. On the upside, I've been talking to a lot of my guy friends more frequently now, and that's amazing. I forgot how great it was to have a guy friend that was JUST a friend and not a boyfriend. Now I remember why I enjoy their company so much. Girls might understand the whole situation better from their perspective, but guys are much more comforting and are better at boost self esteem. I love all of my friends that have helped me through everything though. If any of them are reading this, you're the best! I don't know where I would be without my friends. <3

A huge part of me misses what I used to have and the way things were, but I know I can never get that back no matter how much I wish for it. All I can do is pick up where things are now and keep trying to move forward. It's not easy, but I don't have any other choice unless I want to sit here every day and be depressed, moping about how I hate everything now and want to reverse time. That would be pointless, and I would hate to live a pointless existence.

What happens now? I'm not really sure yet. I'm still working on figuring out my next move. This whole being single and away at college thing is new to me. Guess I'll enjoy it while it lasts!

This is the End.

You were so cold with the words that you said

You ripped me apart thread by thread

And all I ever wanted was you

I gave you everything, I gave you all of me

But I wasn't good enough for you and never would be

And all I ever wanted was you

She came out of nowhere, she stole your heart

You left me with nothing alone in the dark

And all I ever wanted was you

All I ever wanted

Was too good to be true

I should've known from the start

I'd never have you

You crossed you heart and swore I was the one

It was so easy for you to take back and say you were done

And all I ever wanted was you

I put my guard down and let you inside

You told me you'd never hurt me, but baby you lied

And all I ever wanted was you

She may have you now, but I'll move on fast

I'll find someone who cares and will actually last

And you're going to wish for me back

Every melody and lyric make a song

But they always end-

I knew it would all along.

And all I ever wanted is gone.

What to Do?

You know, as much as I love this school and the people here... and as much as it feels like a home to me... I'm freaking bored. Even when I'm with friends, doing homework, whatever. I am bored all the time. I feel like college isn't the right place for me. That sounds bad, right? Whatever. It's true. Honestly, no matter what degree I get, I don't think it's going to make a difference at all. I just want to be a mom, that's about it. And to do that, I don't need a degree in music, theatre, or English.

I know I'm supposed to be this really driven girl who strives to achieve anything. And I am! I am trying to do so much here without overwhelming myself, and I love being involved in the things I am doing, but the actual education part doesn't seem to fit well. You're probably thinking, "She's just like every other student, unsure of what she wants in life. By this time next year she'll have her major declared, no problem." Uh, wrong. I know exactly what I want in life. And what I want does not require a four-year college degree. Honestly, I feel like this is just something I'm doing to keep busy and to keep my mom from being upset with me about not going to school.

No, it's not the school's fault. I sincerely love Hollins. The girls here are fantastic and fun, and I enjoy their company. No, it's not just homesickness. Yes, I do miss home, but this also feels like home to me now. I feel like the only reason I went to school was because my parents pushed me so hard because they didn't want to see me not go through college, or decide later on that I wish I had. My mom took about ten years to get her four-year degree because she started an unplanned family. She wanted to go to school, education was for her. But I'm not stupid, I'm not naive, and I just feel that no matter what subject I am learning about, it isn't interesting enough or isn't going to do me any good.

So what, I'll walk out of here with a four-year degree, most likely in music, right? But I don't want to teach, and that will never change. I'm not a composer. I don't want to be involved in the music industry. So what good will that degree actually do me? I could always do something in science, math, psychology, etc. But why would I want to take classes that bore me? That defeats the whole purpose of a liberal arts school.

I don't know anymore really. People from work always joked about how I would never want to work at Subway for the rest of my life, which I don't. But that doesn't mean I can't just stay there until Sebastian finishes school, and start my life from there. There is nothing wrong with working there as a manager for years. Nothing at all. I would not be ashamed to say I work there either. McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, etc... Yeah I would NOT want to work there forever. But I honestly loved Subway and the location I worked at. And I could definitely do that for another four or five years. But school? It's not that I'm lazy, because if you knew me at all you'd know I am one of the hardest workers you'll ever meet. It's just that I don't want to waste my time and money on an education I won't even use in the future, only to put myself into debt for the rest of my life, when I could be working full-time and saving up money for my future.

When I think about it, I know what the logical answer is. I know what most people think I should do. I know what I want to. And in the end, what I want and feel is most important, right? It's not even been a month here yet, so I'll stick it out this semester. But the question is, how do I tell my mom over winter break before the next semester starts? :/

Ready or Not

Maybe it's just me, but it seems like the last six months disappeared rather quickly. I find myself sitting in my dorm room at Hollins in Virginia, and it blows my mind how fast the time has gone by. I swear just yesterday I was watching all of my friends cry about leaving middle school, and now we're in college. College. Such a simple word for such a big change. Wow. I had my first classes yesterday and although it feels different than highschool, it's really not. Yeah, they grade more harshly. Yeah, grades are dependent much more on tests than on petty homework assignments. And yes, you have a lot more free time between classes and after and before. But when you think about it, what's really so different? The teachers still get pissy about cell phones in class. Attendance still can count toward a decent amount of your grade. And there are still those girls that you can tell are total bitches without even saying a word to them. So why is it such a big deal to some people? College is no different than highschool, not really. People tend to care less about you and your life problems and so far there is a lot less drama here than I had in highschool. But I don't know.

Don't take that as me saying I don't like college, because I do. I love it here. I intend to be a music major, and currently my schedule consists of three music classes (theory, sightsinging, and instruments made by hand in other cultures), an intro to theatre design class, a history class on the Holocaust, and I got accepted into concert choir and a chamber orchestra. MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC. I know, right? I might just die from the overload of 21 credits! On top of that, I've been working out for 30-60 minutes every morning at 8am. My classes don't start until 10:30 and go until 2:30 every day, so I have plenty of time for activities before and after. But choir is three nights a week from 4:30-5:30, and orchestra is one night a week from 7:30-9 (same night as one of the choir rehearsals), so that cuts a lot out of my free time. Plus, I'm currently in the process of filling out paperwork to help out in the scene shop for theatre to be a techie. c: So in between all of that I have to find time to actually do my homework and practice viola, and still have time to hang with my new friends. And I'm going to run for Class VP. Long story short, I'm busy 24/7!

It's crazy how different things are, but how similar they can be at the same time. I'm basically staying involved in all the things I did in highschool; I'm even trying to start a SMASH Club chapter here (they already have an animal rights club, but it's not SGA funded, so I might convince them to make it a SMASH chapter!). It really feels like home here, and I'm loving every second of it. I've made so many friends already, and I can tell they'll definitely be around for a while. And in two weeks, Sebastian will be coming out here to spend the weekend with me and he'll get to meet all of my friends too! It's just really exciting stuff. C:

This kindof turned into me describing my life at school, but that's not where it was headed... My point to this blog was, I wonder what all of my old friends are doing? Nobody texts me, nobody calls, nobody hardly even Facebooks me anymore! What's up with that? Was I that invisible to all of my old friends that they just quit caring because I went so far away instead of going to the same schools with all of them? I mean, don't get me wrong or anything, they're awesome people, but honestly I was sick of only going to school with the same kids I've known my entire life. Isn't the whole point of college to go out there and meet new people? Yeah, uh, hello, Terre Haute South? YOU'RE ALL GOING TO SCHOOL TOGETHER AND NOT SOCIALIZING WITH NEW PEOPLE. Which is why you have the same drama from the same people in college. Which is why I did the smart thing and left. This way, if I meet someone that I think will cause me problems, all I have to do is pretend like I never even met them, and voila! No drama! When you go to the same colleges with the same kids from highschool, all the old drama is still there and so are all the people who you've been around or involved with in the past. It just doesn't go away. It's nice to go somewhere new and have a clean start. You can reinvent yourself, and that's what I'm doing. Maybe you all should try it sometime, it's awesome.

At the same time, I still have some friends who didn't go to ISU, IU, Purdue, Ivy Tech, or BSU like the majority of kids from my class did. And to those friends I ask, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU? It's like you don't exist anymore or something. Geez. :/ I know I'm not the only one who went out of state for school, so I don't understand why we aren't talking more to try to cope together with leaving. No, it's not a big deal being so far from home, but yes, it is nice to have some good old friends who have my back in case I don't feel comfortable here. Luckily, I do love Hollins, so that's not a problem. But come on. I've heard from probably four different friends, including my boyfriend, from Indiana. This is just ridiculous. I feel unloved. The only reason I ever even have new Facebook notifications anymore is because of all my new friends at school. That is just, simply put, pathetic. I miss you guys!!

Anyway, this was a pretty blah blog today. I just felt like I needed to post something new. I've got to head to choir though anyway, but will hopefully be posting more often now that I actually have a reason to get on the computer as much as I do. Anyway, BYE.

And it goes a little something like this...

I suppose this was bound to be written before I went off to college, so brace yourself for what might possibly be the most ridiculously long rant of all (thus far). Where to start? I guess I could tell all of my fellow 2011 highschool graduates congratulations, and I wish the best for you all. But why bother? Most of you didn't like me in school for one reason or another, or never really got to know me, or just didn't care who I was. And that's okay. If you're one of those people and still on my friends list, I'm shocked. I should've deleted you a long time ago. Feel free to do so now before reading further! Those of you who did like me, got to know me, and cared; Thank you. You're the reason I survived four years of drama and pointless days of highschool. I sincerely do hope you get everything you want out of life and more. You deserve it. With that said, I'll go ahead and add the fact that if you're friends with me on here, it's because I want you to be a part of my life. Although I'm leaving for Virginia in just barely over a month, I want to keep in touch. I don't want to be one of those people who you met in gradeschool and went off to college far away never to be heard of or seen again. Sure, I probably won't end up living in Indiana after college. But that doesn't mean I won't visit or want to keep up on your lives. I truly care about all of you and hope that you know if you ever need something, anything, you can come to me. I will make myself available if it is that important to you. Pinky promise. I may be a 10 hour drive away from Terre Haute, but I'm only a few seconds away in a text or phone call. Don't hesitate to contact me. I will always make time for the people who helped shaped me into who I am now.



Moving on.



I could sit here and tell you all the things I learned in highschool. I could tell you that most of the relationships you have during that time won't last, no matter how serious they seem. I could tell you that being popular doesn't mean people like you. I could tell you that you're guaranteed to get hurt by someone close to you. I could tell you that you will most likely outgrow your old best friends and find new ones. I could tell you that trying to fit in just isn't worth it. Or, I could sit here and tell you about the stuff you haven't heard. Like the fact that most of these people won't remember you at your ten year reunion. Most of your friends won't be your friends in five years, even if you live two blocks away. Your parents aren't always going to be there to bail you out of whatever stupid situation you got yourself into. You can't dwell on past relationships or you'll never get it to work out with the right person when he finally comes along. The biggest lesson I think I've learned? Tolerance. I used to have no tolerance for people. If they annoyed me, I was rude to them. If they said one wrong thing, I wrote them off immediately. If I had a bad first impression of them I looked for every possible reason I could find just to not like them. If someone was "weird" in comparison to the average kid, I generally ignored them. But over time I've come to see that everyone just wants to be cared for. I still have some small pet peeves that set me off with people, but I'm just now getting over the last bout of unwarranted dislike. I try to be a good and kindhearted person. Sometimes that ends up screwing me over, but on the other hand, I feel great about myself knowing I was the one to go out of my way to make someone else feel better. I'm trying my hardest to fix relationships with people who I have hurt, who have hurt me, or who I decided a long time ago that I didn't like without any legitimate reason. There is only one exception to that statement; he had a chance and in a way he screwed himself over, so I came to the realization that he will never be worth my time or energy, simply put. I feel like I should feel like a failure, but I don't. Why? Because I did try, and it wasn't my fault that things played out like they did. Past mistakes can ruin an entire future. End of story. There's still a few people I haven't completely gotten back to good terms with yet, but someday I will. It'll take some time to grow and be able to forgive some things. And that is perfectly okay.



What else do I need to add? Well, summer is halfway gone already. That means I'm running out of time to see friends before I leave. So please, if you want to do something, text me! I'm a busy person and don't always think about going out of my way to make plans, I kindof just let things happen. Spontaneity is key. If I'm not at work, I'm down for anything. :)



Also, I want to share three of my biggest beliefs. The first one is already tattooed on my skin. The other two will follow. "Amor vincit omnia." Latin for love conquers all. It truly does, if you believe in it hard enough. I'm not saying follow your heart 100%. More like, follow your heart 50%, listen to your head 30%, and follow your intuition 20%. You can't go wrong. Secondly, "Que sera, sera." Spanish for what will be, will be. I believe in this with everything in my heart and soul. You have to quit worrying about what's going to happen and just let things fall into place on their own. If it's meant to be, it will come around eventually. Patience truly is a virtue. And you can't change what is meant to happen. Lastly, "Leben lachen lieben." German verbs, live laugh love. Everyone should live by this rule. Live your life the way you want. Laughter should be about 80% of what is escaping your mouth. And love should always be in your heart. Kindness is never oldfashioned. Trust me.



Speaking of love, a lot of people ask me the same question over and over and over again. So why don't I just talk about it openly rather than a thousand times? The question is "What are you and Sebastian going to do?" Meaning, some of you are dying to find out whether or not we're going to break up or stay together. Let me put it this way: If you were with someone for an entire year and then left just to go a few states away, would YOU break up with them? No, probably not. Why on Earth would we throw away a great year worth of memories and fun and happiness just to be alone and miserable when we go to college? This is probably the dumbest question I have ever been asked. Honestly! It's kindof insulting, also, when some of you laugh in our face when we tell you we're going to stay together. Read my last paragraph: "LOVE CONQUERS ALL". What happens in our relationship right now, in the future, and anything from the past is NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS. We don't want your advice. We don't want your opinion. And we surely don't want to talk to you about our future plans. None of it concerns you, so keep your noses out of it. Thanks. :)



Did I miss anything? Probably. In a way, I suppose this is sort of my letter to bid you all farewell. I won't see most of you for a long time, I'm sure. But like I said, I'm just a phone call or a text away. Facebook me anytime. For the record, even though I seem so put together about heading off to school in Virginia, I am absolutely 100% terrified. I hate being completely alone and having to figure things out for myself. Sure, I will make new friends quickly, and I can always call home whenever, and if it gets that bad I can drive the ten hours back here just to visit on a weekend. The thought of all the new adventures I'll have and the new people and new places excites me to no end. You honestly don't even understand. But at the same time, I hate being in unfamiliar places without a single familiar face. Most of you will stay here and be all lovely with your college shenanigans. But I won't. And I hope I'll be okay.

What if?

That's all I've got to say... Just, what if?


Think about it.

A lot can change in four months

Where to begin? How about I start off by stating the obvious? I have no clue what I want to do now. I moved out of my mom's house and into my dad's in Clay City a couple weeks ago, today I went to the Humane Society with Sebastian and we adopted a puppy that I'm going to pick up in a couple days, and I have no idea how I'm going to afford college now or even if I'm still going to go. Hold the judgment and your tongue for a moment and let me explain.



Okay, so I know college is important and everything, but I don't see what good it's going to do for me. I could go to Hollins like I planned if I really want to. The thing is, since I moved out of my mom's, she won't sign for a parent loan for me, which leaves about $14k that I still need to find to cover my tuition. That's a lot of money that I'd rather not have to pay back myself. Secondly, as badly as I want to get away from here, I don't want to do it alone. If I go somewhere far from here, I'd like to have someone with me, you know? And if I go, what good will it do me? I'll be getting a degree in English, but I'm not going to become a teacher or anything. To be honest, I want to just be a stay-at-home mom. Of course, I'll probably work somehow from home too; possibly do some freelance writing or something? I'm not really sure. I just don't want my kids to grow up at a babysitter's house because their parents are too busy working. I want to be there full time for them.



Another thought that crossed my mind of what I could do was open my own bakery, like I've thought about before. I'd make my own hours and could even have it like a business-home duplex type deal. That way I'd still be home full-time while working. I don't know. I think that sounds really good. And the thing is, why do I need a college degree in English to bake? I considered going to school for baking and pastry, but that's even more expensive for a chef's academy than it is for Hollins. If I don't go to school I can stay here and work like I am now and save up money. I'm making about $900/month, so that's not a bad deal at all for me for the time being. I only have to pay for my car and phone basically; not too much when it all comes down to it. This plan is starting to sound better and better to me.



I guess I'm kindof just debating this with myself through here, but I really need to and I need feedback if anyone is listening. I just don't want to feel like a failure for not going to college. The only thing that really keeps me from going with this other plan is the fact that if I don't go to school immediately, I won't have all of the scholarships just sitting there waiting for me. And right now they're offering me $22k/year, which is over half my tuition. But still, like I said, what good is that degree going to do if I don't plan on spending my life doing something that involves it, right? Ahhhh. It's just so difficult making decisions.




Last week I was driving and realized, I can do whatever I want now. I'm legally an adult, I've graduated highschool, I've got a job... I can do anything without having to consult a parent for permission. It's a great feeling knowing I have so much freedom. The question is, what do I do with that freedom? I can't leave this place just yet because Sebastian is here and will be here for the next few years going to ISU. But I can choose to not go to school because I can't afford it yet, and I can choose to work as much as I want and save up my money for better things. We'll see how it goes.



I guess I'm back to my old mantra from last summer; whatever happens, happens. Que sera, sera. End of story.



Advice is welcome, but if you're here to judge or criticize, I'll pass. Thanks. :)

Liar, liar.

Never thought I'd feel like this again.

Especially not with you.

But somehow you managed to find a way,

And somehow now I do.

I trusted you more than anyone.

I told myself you would be the one person

Who never let me down.

I guess I was wrong.

There's a shocker.

They all wonder why it matters,

Why should I care so much

About something that seems

So small?

But they don't understand

That's not the point.

Not at all.

And I can't believe I almost

Let myself be

Convinced

To try something as

Stupid

As the things

You did.

I won't.

I won't do that with you like I said.

I won't answer your calls.

I won't reply to your messages.

I won't let myself forgive you.

Not just yet.

I'm hurt because you let me

Believe

I could trust you.

You let me

Think

I would never feel like this.

Not with you.

...but I do.

My stomach is turning

And I feel like I'm going to puke.

And right now what I want

Is to have nothing to do you with you.

Sit there and text your apologies.

I won't read them.

I hope the high was worth it.

Liar

Liar

Liar

Liar

Liar

Liar

Liar

Liar

Liar

Liar

Liar

Liar

Liar

Liar

Liar

Liar.

I wish you would've caught fire.

Then both of us would've been burned.

I let myself go, but only because you let me.

For once in my life, I'm speechless.

And I know that even if I had something to say you could care less,

so why bother saying

it? I know you're just praying

I'll agree;

I can hear you begging

for me

to leave.

So I'll walk away.

And when I look back on this someday,

I won't be

sorry.

Do me a favor? Just forget about me.

I'll be a ghost of the past,

a forgotten memory, a song that didn't last.

I'll be everything

I can, just not what you expected me

to be.

And whose fault is it really?

Mine, probably.

But that's okay. I tried and I failed, and that's the

best you'll ever get out of me.