I want to know why I'm spending an hour in the counselor's office one day a week. Okay, so I understand the two huge panic attacks within twelve hours of each other was kindof a big deal, so they wanted to get me help. But honestly, counseling isn't helping anything. All I do is talk about my life and have her tell me I'm doing exactly what I should be doing to prevent the anxiety. Why do I need to talk to someone about things that I can analyze myself, when all she insists is that I need to get on a better sleep schedule? It's frustrating! I blocked him out of my life in every way possible, I get out of my room to spend time with friends, I don't skip classes, and I'm not moping around all day. I'm over it, I promise you. If I wasn't, there have been a few things that would have triggered more attacks by now. Trust me. So tell me whyyyyy I have to continue making these appointments?
Don't get me wrong- I love talking about myself (obviously). And it's pretty awesome because her job is to listen, so that means I can just talk as much or as a little as I want. I'm a pretty open book; if you ask me something I will tell you straight-up. If you don't want to know, then don't ask; it's that simple. People will see that I'm upset about something and ask if I'm okay, and then when I start to vent they get this expression like "Oh, I was just expecting you to answer 'fine' just so I felt like I tried to help even though I really don't care about your life or your problems". Uh, HELLO!?!? Don't ask me if I'm okay if you don't want an honest answer. The only time I tell people I'm fine when I'm really not is if I know they're just being nosy, or if I'm trying to keep myself from completely falling apart. I don't mind venting to people, but breaking down in front of them is a whole different story. Talking about my problems doesn't bother me, but when I'm about to lose it and just start crying... I just don't like people seeing me that vulnerable. Ever.
So, the counseling thing... She's a wonderful lady. I enjoy talking to her, because she really is nice and seems like she truly just wants to help. But the thing is, there are so many other girls in this school, this country, this world even that need a lot more help than me. She said so herself that I know what I'm doing. I'm not being harmful to myself or others in any way, and I'm dealing with my current situation(s) to the best of anyone's ability. There is nothing anyone can do or say that could possibly make things go more smoothly than they are right now. So why should she focus on me and my life? There are plenty of girls that need her help more. If I want to talk that badly, well, that's what I have a blog for, right? ^_^ I feel like I'm almost wasting her time when she could be counseling someone that is clueless on how to recover from whatever tragedy has struck them. But no, instead she'd rather learn about my life and experiences and the things that have made me who I am today. I almost feel like I'm some sort of experiment... Like she is observing me to figure out how I became to be this kind of person, so she can direct other girls down that same path to recovery. I don't know. That's just my thought.
Aside from the counseling, things are basically back to normal, whatever "normal" may be. I've been learning new songs on guitar and uploading videos like crazyyyy. I've been working basically all weekend every weekend. I get to see my friends and family back home later this week, and I didn't realize how much I missed home until I made the trip back official. I also have been caught up on my homework for once, so that's exciting news too! Only thing I'm falling behind in? Newspaper. Yikes. I had two articles (sports, of all things!) due yesterday and I just can't bring myself to write them! It's awful. :c I'll get them done eventually though. AND TONIGHT after I get off work, I'm going with my roommate to Hampden-Sydney College to meet up with another friend for the night and hang with some boys. BOYS. Yes, I said it. BOYS. I miss having guy friends around, and I can't wait to meet some FINALLY! :D I guess that's it for my minor update/rant. Have a lovely rest of the weekend! <3
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