A lot can change in four months

Where to begin? How about I start off by stating the obvious? I have no clue what I want to do now. I moved out of my mom's house and into my dad's in Clay City a couple weeks ago, today I went to the Humane Society with Sebastian and we adopted a puppy that I'm going to pick up in a couple days, and I have no idea how I'm going to afford college now or even if I'm still going to go. Hold the judgment and your tongue for a moment and let me explain.



Okay, so I know college is important and everything, but I don't see what good it's going to do for me. I could go to Hollins like I planned if I really want to. The thing is, since I moved out of my mom's, she won't sign for a parent loan for me, which leaves about $14k that I still need to find to cover my tuition. That's a lot of money that I'd rather not have to pay back myself. Secondly, as badly as I want to get away from here, I don't want to do it alone. If I go somewhere far from here, I'd like to have someone with me, you know? And if I go, what good will it do me? I'll be getting a degree in English, but I'm not going to become a teacher or anything. To be honest, I want to just be a stay-at-home mom. Of course, I'll probably work somehow from home too; possibly do some freelance writing or something? I'm not really sure. I just don't want my kids to grow up at a babysitter's house because their parents are too busy working. I want to be there full time for them.



Another thought that crossed my mind of what I could do was open my own bakery, like I've thought about before. I'd make my own hours and could even have it like a business-home duplex type deal. That way I'd still be home full-time while working. I don't know. I think that sounds really good. And the thing is, why do I need a college degree in English to bake? I considered going to school for baking and pastry, but that's even more expensive for a chef's academy than it is for Hollins. If I don't go to school I can stay here and work like I am now and save up money. I'm making about $900/month, so that's not a bad deal at all for me for the time being. I only have to pay for my car and phone basically; not too much when it all comes down to it. This plan is starting to sound better and better to me.



I guess I'm kindof just debating this with myself through here, but I really need to and I need feedback if anyone is listening. I just don't want to feel like a failure for not going to college. The only thing that really keeps me from going with this other plan is the fact that if I don't go to school immediately, I won't have all of the scholarships just sitting there waiting for me. And right now they're offering me $22k/year, which is over half my tuition. But still, like I said, what good is that degree going to do if I don't plan on spending my life doing something that involves it, right? Ahhhh. It's just so difficult making decisions.




Last week I was driving and realized, I can do whatever I want now. I'm legally an adult, I've graduated highschool, I've got a job... I can do anything without having to consult a parent for permission. It's a great feeling knowing I have so much freedom. The question is, what do I do with that freedom? I can't leave this place just yet because Sebastian is here and will be here for the next few years going to ISU. But I can choose to not go to school because I can't afford it yet, and I can choose to work as much as I want and save up my money for better things. We'll see how it goes.



I guess I'm back to my old mantra from last summer; whatever happens, happens. Que sera, sera. End of story.



Advice is welcome, but if you're here to judge or criticize, I'll pass. Thanks. :)