Tell me something I don't know.

It's insane how fast this year is going by... I spent the last couple hours just looking through old pictures of friends and myself online, and old posts on Facebook. What happened to the time? It seems like just yesterday that I was up at the microphone announcing things for eighth grade graduation... and now all of a sudden it's senior year and I'm almost done in highschool. It's hard to believe I've made it this far, that we've all made it this far.

This is written to all of the seniors, class of 2011. I want you to go back with me and remember where you were so long ago, like I'm doing now. I want you to understand how far we've all come since we were freshmen. I want you to read this and feel a sense of accomplishment for all that you've done in highschool, because this year is almost over. You need to soak it up while you can. I hope you all end up where you want to go in life, I hope you all succeed. And if there's anything you walk away from this blog knowing, I hope it's that you know that you can do anything if you want it badly enough.

This is also written to all of the freshmen, class of 2014. By the time you're sophomores and juniors you'll just be thankful to not be the bottom of the chain, and you'll be getting frustrated with the freshmen below you like we all do with you guys. But it's not the age that bothers us so much. It's the fact that you guys are still so naive and young enough to have time to stop yourselves from making the same stupid mistakes we made at your age up until now. Yes, we know you don't want to hear us lecture you. So that's why this is also for you. I want you to read this and picture yourself in three years. Write yourself a letter that you vow not to open until graduation. I wrote one to myself in fifth grade that's been sealed shut since. I still have it, and I won't open it until this June. I promise you'll be glad you wrote to yourself, because you'll see the differences and it'll amaze you how things change. Me? I'm really antsy about opening that letter. I don't remember what it says, and it will be a nice flash back in time for me. I'm rambling. My point is that I hope you guys make better choices in the future than some of us have made in the past. You've got a few years ahead of you to set yourself up for a great life. Take advantage of the time you have left, and spend it doing something meaningful. You'll be proud of yourself, and you'll end up much better off. If there is any advice you walk away from this knowing, I hope it's that you will be a better person, a kind person, and treat everyone you come across with respect, regardless if they deserve it or not. If you give respect, you'll get respect. And people will appreciate you much more.

So here goes...

I used to believe a lot of things in eighth grade. I believed love was a crazy concept that I wouldn't understand until sometime after highschool. I believed my best friends at the time would always be my best friends, and that nobody would ever be able to replace them. I believed death was something that wouldn't affect me for years to come. I believed premarital intimacy was beyond wrong. I believed I had to be who other people wanted me to be. I believed that it was okay to manipulate people to get what I wanted. I believed I wasn't good enough to do and be a lot of things. I believed I was always right.

But none of that was true. You can accept it or not, but I've experienced love. I've tried to stay close to some of those best friends, but to be honest, none of them are part of my every day routine anymore. And even though there is nothing that can replace the memories of all the times I spent with those friends, there's quite a few people in my life who have come to replace them as my best friends. Unfortunately, death has affected me multiple times the past four years, mostly this past September. And even though I don't condone slutty behavior, I don't think I'm going to be sent to Hell for losing my virginity before marriage. I've come to realize that it's okay to be my own person, and to not live up to other peoples' expectations of who I should be. It's not okay to use people for my own gain, which is something I had a hard time learning. And even though sometimes it may not seem like it, my self esteem is great. I see myself in a very positive way, I just have bad days sometimes.

But the biggest realization I came to? Sometimes I'm wrong about things, and that's okay. Like the cliche goes, "Everyone makes mistakes. We're only human." And it's true. Sure, I may have made a few more mistakes than it should have been to figure out the right decisions. But if you put it in perspective, I think I've made many more positive choices than bad ones. I take care of myself and look out for myself better than most girls do in highschool. I don't let people walk all over me like a doormat, but I also don't get all up in anyone's face. I've had a lot of fun (and sometimes a little too much), but I've also worked hard to get myself to where I am now. A lot of you might think I just happened to get lucky and end up where I am now, but that's not true. Sure, some stuff may come easier to me academically than some students. But that doesn't mean I didn't struggle to keep my GPA up as high as it is.

On top of schoolwork alone I spent a lot more time interacting in other programs than I noticed. I spend time working backstage and in pit orchestra for multiple plays and musicals. I play in the orchestra and sing in show choir. I played softball for about three years. I'm in National Honor Society. I was in Link Crew for a year. I've had a job since the day after I turned sixteen. I started a club and actively plan events and take donations to the Humane Society. I'm in Asian American club. I made homecoming court. Soon I might start giving private viola lessons to a fifth grader. I babysit my younger sister every Monday night. Seem like a lot? That's because it is. While some of you were sitting around at home every day after school pretending like you were too busy with schoolwork to do anything else, I was working myself to death so I could prove to myself that I'm capable of doing anything I set my mind to. And somewhere in all that madness I found the time to apply to Hollins University in Roanoke, Virginia, and got accepted.

I digress.

Thinking about just how far I've really come in the past few years blows my mind. Three years ago I was halfway through my freshman year, no worries in the world. I looked like a complete "emo kid", but laughed and spent a lot of time with my friends thinking nothing would ever change. I never would have been able to picture ending up where I am now. But, although it's a huge jump to make in only three years, I'm glad I'm here. It hasn't been easy, that's for sure. Relationships gone wrong. Adjusting to new teachers every trimester. Breaking hearts. Meeting new people. My first car. Destroying friendships. Watching my sister leave for college. First love. Losing both a grandfather and an old best friend in the same week. Parties. New love. It's a lot for a girl to go through in such a short amount of time. But I can say that I did it, and I made it out okay.

So here's what I want all of you to do. Comment on here, post on my wall, send me a message, or something to that effect, and tell me what you've accomplished that you're proud of. Tell me something you wish you would have done differently. Tell me a mistake you made. Tell me where you see yourself five years from now. Tell me what you want to do with your life. Tell me a secret. Tell me about a time you made someone feel better about themselves. Tell me what your biggest fear is of the future. Tell me about something you love. Tell me anything, I'm listening.

I don't care if we haven't talked in years. I don't care if I've never even met you in person. I don't care if you're not a freshmen or senior that this was directed toward. We all have something to say, and we all need someone to listen. I can be that person if you let me. You are an amazing person, no matter what other people might tell you, no matter what you might think, no matter what mistakes you may have made. You control your life, so take care of it.

To all seniors who will be leaving for college before you know it, such as myself, GOOD LUCK. And keep in touch. Seriously. I'll be all by myself in Virginia and I'll have to make new friends. So please, please, please give me a shout once in a while. I want to know how you're doing because I genuinely care at any given point in time. Be careful out there in the world next year, and do well. I know you all will.

To the rest of you in highschool, good luck as well. It'll pass you by quicker than you think.

My List.

Your smile.
Your musical inclination.
Your willingness to doa nything for me within reason.
The fact that you're always the perfect temperature; not too hot/cold.
How you always know what to say to make me smile.
The way you kiss me, and how often you do.
how your fingers lace so naturally into mine.
That just thinking about you lights my entire face.
How being around you for only a few minutes can relax me.
how right it feels having your arms around me.
The way your eyes shine when you look at me.
How easily we can talk about anything.
That you're so honest about everything.
When you speak to me in French even though I don't understand what you're saying.
How when you're with me it's like there's no one else around us.
That you're okay with me being such a leech.
That you'll fall asleep on the phone with me at night.
The way you pull me close to you.
How you don't care about what other people think.
That you treat me like an equal, not like property.
Our long phone conversations at night that seem endless.
Talking to you each night before I fall asleep.
The safe feeling I get with your hand on my cheek.
That you'll laugh with me when I do/say silly things.
How you pick on me and tease me like we're in elementary school.
Just laying with you and doing absolutely nothing.
Our long list of things to do together.
That this list is neverending! :)
That you always repeat stories like five times to me without realizing it.
How cute you are when you're excited about something.
Your goofiness.
The trust we have for each other.
That you'll let me vent to you.
How you always know what to say to calm me down.
The way just hearing your name makes me smile.
The way you look at me.
The fact that you can read my mind half of the time.
How easy it seems just being with you.
The way you make me feel complete.
All of the parallels we have in our lives.
How even though it's hardly begun, we both know it's going to last for a long time.
The way you make my knees weak.
When you let me take your breath away (literally).
The way your voice gets all soft and slow when I lean in close to kiss you.
That I smile in my sleep from thinking about you.
How I'm smiling right now just writing this.
That you make me feel beautiful every day.
The way I can get lost in your eyes.
That I lose my breath when you kiss me.
That you will show up wherever, whenever just to see me.
How you can hint at the fact that you miss me, but don't like to admit how much you really do.
That you use a different pet name every time you use one.
The tingly feeling I get the second your lips touch mine.
The way my head rests so perfectly into your shoulder.
The way you trace your fingers across my skin.
That you understand me without me having to elaborate.
You.

Never Underestimate the Impossible

Death is an inevitable fact of nature. Within the past month, I've lost two people close to me. The first was my grandfather. I knew he was sick; he had been a victim of heart attacks in the past, and my family and I knew he could pass any day. When I discovered he was in the hospital again, I did not think it to be anything more serious than before. However, my mother got a phone call at nearly 11 p.m. from my grandmother asking us to come to hospital one night. We stayed until past 1 a.m. even though I had school the next morning. The following day, I left school and spent the day at the hospital. My grandfather was gone by the late afternoon. I spent my week missing days of school and being with visiting family while preparing for the visitation and funeral. It was tough to see my mother and grandmother so upset; they are by far the strongest women I know. It broke me to watch them sob alongside all the others in my family. I had to become the concrete one, the one in the family who cemented everyone else down and gave them someone to lean on. The week was long. The day after the funeral, things seemed to become easier. I went to bed that night, ready for long overdue rest.
Hardly an hour after going to sleep, my phone rang. I ignored it a few times, but then began to realize that someone calling me at midnight on a school night must have something important to tell me. I finally answered what turned out to be the most upsetting phone call I have ever experienced. It was a friend from across town telling me that there was a car accident a few hours prior, and that one of my best friends was in the car. He was pronounced dead on the scene. My heart sank so far into my stomach I thought it might hit the floor. My ears were ringing, and I started becoming dizzy. As soon as I hung up the phone, I lost all composure. How could something so horrible have happened now, of all times? I had just finally gotten through my grandfather's arrangements, and now I was about to be pulled into something far more relevant to me. He had been there for me when nobody else would listen. I had made plans to see him soon. I kept thinking about how I had just spoken to him earlier that day. I just kept asking myself, “Why?!?”
All living beings will die, leaving this world behind and moving into their spiritual eternity. But it isn't the occurrence that upsets us most, it's the timing. We know it will happen eventually, but we never realize it may actually be so soon. Even an expected death can throw you off guard; I am living proof of that. It hits even harder when it happens twice in such a short time span.
Many people experience the loss of someone they care deeply for, but I have yet to find someone who has lost two within the same week under completely different circumstances. Writing about this so soon after it happened is still tough for me; I feel like I will never do justice in my attempts to honor the two that I loved and lost. But it is almost like they are both still here. I cry not from sadness; I cry from all of the memories I have of good times spent with my grandfather and friend.
Some days I wake up and have that empty feeling you get from losing a piece of your heart. I must be good at hiding it because I hear people say I am such a strong person for being able to handle everything that has occurred. What I wish they would see is that even concrete can crack and crumble. And even though I try my best to appear stolid and unmoved, I can break as easily as the rest of them. After all, I am only human.

This is what comes of my random internet searches.

"I want it to be inconvenient; I want to sacrifice my life for it. I want the kind of love that wakes me up at 3am. I want love that hurts, love that I have to work for. I want love that tests me. I want the kind of love that is hard to find, and hard to keep and never easy. I want the kind of love where you get hurt. I want love that makes me cry. I want to hold on even if it takes me through my worst nightmare. But most of all I want the kind of love that's worth it."

Admit it. You've felt that way before. I'm not afraid to say that I have too. People always tell you how amazing love is. And after hearing it so much you just have to wonder if it's true. How does it feel to be in love? The feeling is indescribable. Even the best poets don't do it justice, not by a long shot.



"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."

It's true though. Allowing yourself to love someone is opening yourself up for possible heartbreak. You're at your most vulnerable point, and are just trusting that the other person won't take the advantage of the opportunity and rip your heart out. It's scary. Intimidating. But if you can't be open with someone, you're going to feel lonely and much worse off, most likely. Risking everything means you might lose it all. And that's okay. Because at least you'll know you tried, right? You can only fail if you give up. So take a chance. Maybe you'll get hurt. But maybe the pain is worth it. Maybe after it's all said and done you'll understand everything just a little better. Maybe it will work out and you'll live happily ever after. Okay, so the last one probably isn't true. But there's nothing wrong with having a positive outlook on life.



“Falling in love with someone isn't always going to be easy... Anger... tears... laughter.. It's when you want to be together despite it all. That's when you truly love another. I'm sure of it.”

Nothing to say to this one. It says it all for me.


“It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no 'exit' signs in love, there is only an 'on' ramp."

I feel like this is one of the most true quotes I've read so far. I don't know about any of you, but I used the excuse "I fell out of love" once before. It's all a lie. Once you love someone, that's that. If you really do love them, there's always going to be a part of you that will. They fill a void in you and stay there for the rest of your life. There is no purging yourself of that. If things don't work out, it's not because you don't love them. It's because of other things that got in the way. But if you love them enough, you won't let those things get in the way, no matter how difficult it gets. You'll keep trying endlessly because that's what you do when you love someone. You don't just let them go. You try and try and try, and that's all there is to it.



“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Now I'm starting to wonder how all of these people who wrote these things can state it so well... They know how to say the truth and make you sit there nodding your head saying, "Yep, that's exactly how I feel!" As much as I dislike these things this quote mentions, I still love love. The good has to outweigh the bad eventually, right? Isn't that how it's supposed to work?



“Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.”

I think after all that has happened, I'm finally starting to get this all through my head. Before, it was always about me. I didn't care about what he wanted or how he felt. I cared about getting what I wanted, and making myself happy. And now I can see how childish that was of me. What was I thinking? I ruined something that had the potential to be great, all because of my selfishness. Your happiness is more important than mine is to me. All I want is for you to have everything you've ever wanted. Maybe that's not me. If that's the case, I'll live with that. I'd rather things stay just as they are than to make you unhappy again.



Oh, dear... it looks like I'm growing up. Better go watch some Disney Channel to age me down a bit.

Goodnight. :)

amor vincit omnia

When I appear to be spacing out, I'm actually just lost in deep thought.

I wonder about things I probably shouldn't be thinking about. I wonder about you...

When you met me, what was going through your head?

How much pain did I cause you the first time? The second? The third?

Why did I ever let myself do that to someone I care so much about?

Did things ever really change between us, or was I imagining things?

Did this happen because I was unhappy being with you, or because I was unhappy with being myself?

Did you ever even notice how much I was hurting, or how much I still do?

Do you realize that when I was with anyone else all I thought about was you?

Can anyone out there see it in my eyes?

Am I that good at hiding this, or do people just not care?

When you decided to leave, did you even consider how it would make me feel?

Did you just assume I'd wait all that time, alone?

Did you know that even though I was upset, I still wasn't going to let go that easily?

When I smile at them, do they know I'm smilling because I'm thinking of you?

Am I the only one of us who still cares?

When I tried to forget, could you sense how much I still remembered?

After all the different ways I've tried to let this go, why can't I?

Have you given up on this already?

What do I have to do to prove myself?

Do you know how difficult it's been to keep this all to myself?



I feel like I shouldn't post this. This would prove how weak I really am, even though I've had many people tell me I'm strong. Honestly, I'm not nearly as strong as I try to be. I'm still hurting guys that are interested in me, even though I've tried to stop. I've taken a lot of criticism from a lot of people who dislike me for "playing" with peoples' emotions. This was never my intention. I don't mean to hurt anyone. In the end, I'm only hurting myself. If you've ever been caught up in my mess of a personal life, I am sincerely sorry. It was never anything personal, I swear. And after growing up a little more the past few months, I've learned a lot of things that are helping me see what I want out of life.



When it comes to relationships, I've watched myself make mistake after mistake with all the wrong guys. I finally found someone who makes me feel whole, but I let others convince me that he wasn't what I really wanted. Some people try to convince him the same about me, but he never listened. If he was strong enough to follow his heart, then why couldn't I? Why was I weak enough to believe people who I probably won't remember twenty years from now? How could I ever let something go when it was the only thing that ever really made sense as a part of my life?



I don't know how long it will take to straighten this chaos out. I don't know if a lifetime will be long enough. I don't know if I am even going to be given another chance to make it right, like I tried to do so many times before. But no relationship is perfect; there will always be disagreements, jealousy, and a little bit of possessiveness. I don't want a perfect relationship though. I just want YOU. I tried to be with other people, but nobody seemed as right for me as you do. People can say what they want about how I feel about you, the things I've put you through, and just me in general. But they aren't us. They don't control us or our feelings. They have no right to judge us or our complicated relationship. What happens between us is just between me and you. And anyone who thinks differently needs to get over it.



You know I'm going to screw up... a lot. That's just how I am, and you know that. But I will try my hardest not to. I'm going to get upset about stupid things, but so will you. We'll just have to try our best to make this work. If you're willing to put in the effort, then so am I. I don't care how busy we both are, how often we'll get to see each other. I just want to know that you're there for me, just like I'll be here for you. If we could make it through the past nearly two years, we can make it through anything. As Nicholas Sparks said in The Notebook, "So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday."



"I am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone requires a leap of faith, and that a soft landing is never guaranteed." - Sarah Dessen

I've also come to that realization, and I'm okay with that. This is me taking a leap of faith. Publicly, of all places to do so. I don't care who reads this or what they may think about this. Maybe I'm making a fool of myself. If so, fantastic. I'm willing to look stupid for you. I will do whatever it takes because I know I was meant to be with you. I can feel it... it's like this ache in my bones. There's just a part of me that hasn't been able to move on because I feel like I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to stay right here with you. This is right where I belong. Maybe I won't make a soft landing from this cliff I'm walking off of, but that's okay. I'm just hoping with everything I have that you'll be at the bottom, waiting to catch me when I fall.



Ich liebe dich zur Sonne und zurueck; We haven't even made it there yet, but if we ever do get that far, let's stay there so we never have to come back to the ending.

You might think I'm bulletproof, but I'm not.

The truth? I lie to my parents about where I stay the night. I hang out with people that are "too old" to be my friends. I cheated on a boyfriend once. I don't always know what the right thing to do is. I make bad decisions that lead to even worse consequences. I convince myself to believe a lie to justify some things that I do wrong. I've commited larceny. I manipulate people to get them to think I'm a better person than I actually am. Sometimes I want to punch my sister in the face because even though she's only ten, she irritates me that much. I spend more time on the phone texting than doing my homework. I get stressed easily. I pretend like your insults don't hurt my feelings, but inside I'm beating myself up over it because you've said it so much that I begin to see it as truth. When I get frustrated, I cry. I drive too fast, run too many stop signs, and don't always wear my seatbelt. When I make mistakes and try to fix them, I end up making everything worse. I'll tell you I think I'm good enough, but I don't actually think I ever will be. I'm afraid to face the world after graduation, even though I've always looked forward to getting out of this place. I fight with my mom too much and just wish I could show her I really am listening and that she's my hero. I'm jealous of my older sisters. I had a miscarriage over a year ago that I never told my parents or any adults about, and never went to a doctor. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but keep a lot of other things hidden underneath. I don't sort my laundry. I say that I love to write, but I hardly ever do anymore. Someday I want to open my own business. I don't like being told what to do. I'm extremely bossy and like to take charge, but don't like letting other people do the work because I feel like if I didn't do it then it wasn't done correctly. I try too hard when I should give up and give up when I should be trying harder. I lie by omission. When I'm depressed I buy two different ice cream pints and eat them both one spoonful of each at a time while watching sad movies in my room. I hate when people pretend to be older than they are, or think they're more mature than they are. I don't eat cream cheese ever unless it's with cinnamon sugar pretzels. I spend a lot of time doing crossword puzzles. I'm extremely indecisive. I tend to let bad things come my way, and when a good thing falls into my lap I somehow find a way to screw it up. I hurt the people who care about me and care about the people who are only going to hurt me. I've knowingly let myself get used, and I wish I'd had the self esteem to stop it from happening. My favorite color is white. A lot of people think I'm smart, but I still don't use my common sense and end up looking like an idiot. I don't think through most situations and I act on impulse. I don't like confrontation. I ignore friends when I'm too afraid to tell them how I really feel because I don't want to hurt their feelings. I change my personality to match the group of people I'm around. I pick up other peoples' body language and vocabulary. I seem to have everything put together so well, but in reality I'm just barely keeping myself from falling apart. I've got a lot of people who tell me they care, but sometimes I wonder how many of them would actually cry at my funeral. I like to believe the best in people and it usually gets me screwed over. I don't know when to speak up for myself, and I never know when to keep my mouth shut. I break hearts but have done everything possible to keep mine locked up, and have managed to get by with only a few cuts and bruises. These are a few of the many truths that I can tell you about myself.



But I can't tell you where I'm going to be five years from now, ten years from now. I can't tell you who I want to be with the rest of my life. I can't tell you if I'll be as successful as I hope, or if I'll even live long enough to make it possible. I can't tell you if I believe in God or not. I can't tell you what friends will be there for the rest of my life. I can't tell you where I'll live when I go out into the world. I can't tell you why the sky can be so many different shades of blue, purple, orange, and pink all at once.



All I know is that the sun will rise every morning, and the moon will take its place at night. I know what I hope to do with my life in the next year. Anything other than that will just happen on its own. I am only a seventeen-year-old girl. From now on, your expectations of who I should be will be at the bottom of my list. And at the top? My personal goals and ambitions. Finally, I feel content with my life. I'm accepting full responsibility to my mistakes, and am living my life to please no one but myself.



Thanks for all the help, everyone. But your assistance is no longer needed. I can handle things on my own from now on. Nobody can bring me down, and I'm the only one who can pick myself up and put the pieces back in all the right places.



LIFE IS GOOD :)

You Get What You Deserve

My closet door in my room is plastered from top to bottom in pictures of myself and friends. Some are as old as 2006, and the most recent ones were from maybe 2008. Every time I sit at my desk, I can't help but to look at them and notice just how much I've changed. Some pictures have people that I don't even talk to anymore in them. There's pictures of some people that I'm still good friends with... But it's not the people in the pictures that I think about; when I look at them it makes me remember the kind of person I used to be, who I wanted to be, and who I am now.

Who I used to be would hate who I am now. And who I am now misses who I used to be. Obviously I can't rewind the time and change the outcome of things. But it really was never supposed to happen like this... Three years ago I would never have believed you if you told me I would turn out this way. Three months ago, I still would not have believed that. A month ago, I thought I was smarter than this. I thought I could take care of myself, I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. If you want to tell me "I told you so", go ahead. I deserve it. I should listen, but I'm too busy not keeping my mouth shut and too busy thinking my selfish thoughts that I tend to drown everyone else out.

I'm one of those girls who likes to believe the best in everyone, even in the worst people. I like to give everyone at least one opportunity to prove others' judgments wrong, to show me that they aren't what they seem. Usually they succeed. But this time, I proved myself a fool. Everyone can see it stamped on my forehead. I made a mistake. I learned from it, and am trying to move on. That's the best I can do in this situation.

Immediately after I proved my stupidity to the world, I found yet another way to complicate things. I never fail to make myself more miserable it seems... So yet again, I do something similar to before, under different circumstances. I thought I could handle it, but I couldn't. I'm still working on figuring out where I stand with that.

And on top of both prior issues, I allowed myself to do the biggest no-no of all, making the level of difficulty of my situation rise from a 6 to a 600 on a scale of 1-10. :/ I hate when I make decisions without really thinking things through.

Say what you want. Insult me. Tell me I'm the dumbest person you've ever met. It's okay; I know it's all true. Nothing you say is going to make me feel any worse than I already do. If I could show you just how much I hate myself right now, it would blow your mind. I didn't think it was possible to ever hate myself, but I do. I make bad choices that lead to even worse situations, and in the end someone always gets hurt. Lately it's been me. But since I'm the one hurting myself, I can't blame anyone else.

I spent my whole life doing what was expected of me. Then I screw up for once, and all of a sudden I become the biggest disappointment in life. That just makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside, knowing I'm never going to be good enough to fit your image of what I should be. I'm tired of contorting myself to fit into your mold of perfection. There's only so far i can bend until I break, and obviously something made me snap this time. I just wanted to have a little fun, and now everything is a mess.

I'm trying to look on the bright side, but it's not really that bright.. it's just slightly less dim than the side I'm on now. But I don't know how to fix any of this. Saying sorry doesn't do any good. I can't take back what I did. I feel like I'm going to be stuck in this misery for a while. I guess I can deal with that. I'm tired of changing for other people though, and I wish for once you'd just let me work things out on my own rather than getting involved thinking you know best. You don't know everything, but neither do I. So why not just let me figure it out for myself? I only learn my lessons the hard way, so just leave me to that.



The worst part? Even after all I've said here, you still don't know the half of it

An Original... from 2008.

Strange how a poem I wrote two years ago can seem so relevant to me still. Hmm.



Awake

I'm afraid to close my eyes;
When I do I see your face.
So here I lay,
Awake.
I feel so out of place
Even in my own mind.
I'm at a loss for speech
Watching time pass me by.
I won't allow the words
To pass my lips,
To say it was all a lie-
Every touch, every kiss.
But I can't erase the memories,
And I can't replace
The time.
I still remember all too well
When I could still claim you as mine.
One thing I won't deny-Every day, you cross my mind.
I don't understand why
I can't let go of this,
Why I can't help but to reminisce...
You're long gone,
Never to return here.
It's just so weird
Feeling the ghost of the past
Bringing back the pain of
Knowing it ended so fast.
Sometimes it's like
You're really still there,
Leaving a kiss on my cheek
Or running your hand through my hair.
It's so hard to hate you
When your smile still makes me melt.
Thinking about it now
Reminds me of how I once felt.
And I just wish for once
I could forget all of this-
Your comfortable embrace,
Your hand on my hip.
I can't understand what brought the change
Why it was suddenly so different,
It just wasn't the same.
Your body used to be so tuned to mine.
They carried the same rhythm,
Spoke the same rhyme.
I guess growing up
Put us off track.
We took different paths-
No looking back.
It's better this way
As I very well know;
But it's like losing a lead actor
And carrying on with the show.
Sometimes I still feel empty
Like I won't ever be who I was before.
This smile plastered on my face
Feels like a mask, nothing more.
I have nightmares of you,
I wake up with your name on the tip of my tongue.
And each time a small part of me comes undone.
My whole body starts to shake
As I lay here,
Still awake.

And today's topic is... You guessed it! Relationships!

I feel like I've been writing a lot of these lately. I guess that just means there's a lot on my mind. I also feel like since so many people keep agreeing with me on these subjects, I have to keep writing more. Someone has to stand up and say, "Enough!" So why not let that person be me?

Is it me, or are teenagers today destroying the idea of legitimate relationships?
They all think they understand "love". Don't get me wrong, some of us have been in love for real. But there's so many kids out there who date someone for two days and say they're in love. What's up with that? Seriously. Obsession, infatuation, what have you, is not the same as love. Learn the difference. So you feel really strongly about someone, can't get them out of your head, and they're the first thing you think about when you wake up. I don't care what all the song lyrics say; that's not love. I guess you can't really define what love is in reality because we all see and feel it differently. But I promise that it's so much more than what you've heard. You may care a lot about the person you're dating, but don't tell them you love them unless you know you mean it. And trust me, you'll know. It's not a feeling you get after two days. But when you do feel it, you will know that you mean it when you say I love you. It's a crazy emotion that's difficult to control, but waiting to say I love you will make it so much more worth it once the feeling really hits.

And what about the couples that have been "together" for a long time, but are always on/off? I'm not trying to judge. I don't know how any of those couples feel, and what they do is their business. But come on. Do you really need to change your relationship status EVERY OTHER DAY just because you're having another fight? Not only is it annoying to see, but it's pointless. Everyone knows you'll be back together in two days. Here's a tip: If you want to be together, then just do it. Stop breaking up everytime you bicker over something meaningless. If you really love each other, then stop letting the small things get to you. Nobody else is trying to go after either of you anymore because they all know you'll end up getting back together. It gets old. Just stop playing these immature games. Be in a relationship, or don't be in one. It's that simple.

Know what else I'm sick of? Feeling like I need a guy to be happy. I know I'm not the only girl who feels that way too. One of my best friends once told me something extremely smart. It was something along the lines of, "Don't depend on a relationship to be happy; you have to value yourself without the guy otherwise you'll never really be happy in a relationship either." She is so right, but any girl knows, that's easier said than done. We all want to feel special, and we want the right guy there to make that happen. Is it possible to be happy and single? Of course. But it feels so much better knowing that there's the one person there for you no matter what. That one guy who can hold you and kiss away your tears when you're upset. Being alone sucks, plain and simple. Dwelling on it only magnifies the emptiness though. Yeah, there's always friends there to fill the hole. But it seems to me that the more they try to fill that void in my life, the bigger that void becomes. Girls; we CAN be content being on our own. We are strong enough to get through this feeling, especially if we keep each other close. If you're a girl reading this and you feel empty without a relationship, you're not alone. I'm right there with you, and together we can smile and pretend like it doesn't bother us until we inevitably believe it.

Here's another point I feel should be brought up... Yes, there are those boys out there with amazing personalities that would kill to see us smile. But sad as it is, we're all just shallow enough that we may not notice you because we're too focused on the boys who are too attractive for their own good and don't take the time to care. On behalf of all girls everywhere, I apologize to those sweet boys who have been pushed into the "friend zone". We do know you care. I promise. Sometimes we're just so caught up in how hurt we are that other guys aren't paying us any attention that we forget to pay attention to you. I'm still trying to figure out what we see in those other guys when we have such great guys in front of us already... I guess that's just how things are. We'll grow up and see what we missed out on, and by then you'll have found someone better that realized you for your awesomeness sooner than we did. Good guys do win in the end, just give us some time.

I feel like there's more that I should say here... but it's almost 2am and I'm tired and am no longer thinking straight. So that's all for now. :)

Mirror, Mirror, On the wall...

Too much hip,
Not enough butt.
My jeans never fit how they should.
My body is never good enough.
Too much skin here,
Not enough there.
It's like the mirror was made to taunt me,
Mocking my despair.
I try on an old shirt
But the top is a little tight.
I don't know why I can't squeeze in;
Last month it fit just right!
I don't get it.
All the other girls look so perfect.
Why can't I be like them
Instead of feeling so worthless?

Girls, let's face it: We've all felt like that at some point or another. Like we are worthless and our physical appearance isn't good enough. But who's to say what "perfection" is? I'm sure I've said this before, but I'll say it again. Your imperfections are what make you flawless. I don't think girls give themselves enough credit these days. Why do you let other people judge you? Why do you let a clothing size define you? I don't know who is reading this, but whomever you are, you ARE perfect. Nobody is better at being you than YOU. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to put on a pair of jeans that don't fit me and used to just a few months prior. Or a top that used to be adorable on me, but I try it on and the seam rips. Do I stare at myself in the mirror and say, "God, you got fat!" No. I don't. I look at it as an opportunity to buy newer and cuter clothes that WILL fit. So why don't other girls see it this way? I'll admit I have flaws. I've got big feet for a girl my height. I've got a little more chub in the middle than I'd like. I've got no volume to my butt. My teeth aren't completely straight. My hips are huge. I've got breakouts on my forehead. My nails are bitten down to practically nothing. Do I obsess about these things? No. Do they bother me? To an extent. But I don't let it ruin my life like a lot of you do. Some girls will go so far to try to be "good enough". But what is there that isn't good enough about you already? The fact that you try so hard to be like everyone else instead of just being happy with the way you are, that is what makes you inferior to them. If you don't love yourself first, then how can you expect anyone else to love you? Embrace the beauty in what you consider negatives about yourself. Confidence is key. If you walk into a room and act like you own it (without being cocky), people will see that and automatically go with it. Smile without fear of who is watching, and you'll attract the right kindof attention. The longer you stare at yourself in the mirror, the more things you'll see that are "wrong". So step away and ask yourself what GOOD things you see. Me? I see a great skin tone. Freckles in all the right places. The silkiest hair of anyone I know. Eyes the color of chocolate. My list of good outweighs all the bad things. And when you look beneath the surface, that's when you find the things that truly matter. So what if you're not the prettiest girl? If you let yourself feel beautiful because of what's in your heart, it'll shine through to the surface. Not only is confidence a key factor, but so is happiness. Happiness looks good on anyone, and especially on you. Try it out sometime. I guarantee that smiling more often will alone do wonders to your outer beauty.

My point?
Everyone is shallow to some extent, but in the end looks don't matter. And if they do matter to someone, then that person isn't worth your time. Be loved for who you are, not what you are. Don't ever let someone make you feel low because of snide comments about appearance. You're above that. Words are only words. Your thoughts, your feelings, your opinions; those are the things that should matter most to you. What other people perceive or think isn't important. Live your life for yourself, don't do it to please others. That's a lesson I had a hard time learning, but finally figured out in the end. Take my advice now before you have to find out the hard way.

Your mission?
Write a positive note to yourself. Something small like, "You ARE beautiful!" and put it someplace where you'll see it everyday. Keep it there until you start believing it and no longer need the encouragement. Maybe you'll even want to take it a step farther and put notes in random public places where other girls will find them. Or choose a different friend to compliment each day. Someone somewhere will appreciate your kindness and it will hopefully boost her self esteem. :)

REMEMBER: YOU ARE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. If you ever need someone to remind you again, talk to me. I'm more than happy to cheer you up!

I don't understand.

Since when did "Let's hang out" turn into meaning "You're cute, and I'm looking for an easy lay"? And why do girls go with it? I don't get it. Am I one of the few girls left with enough self respect to NOT sleep around? I'm not trying to offend any girls that do that, because I'm friends with some who do, and it's none of my business really. But when all the other girls are like that it makes guys expect it to be like that with every girl who says yes to "hanging out", which I find extremely ridiculous. Then there's pressure on those of us who won't fool around the first night meeting someone, and we get tossed aside because we actually want something more meaningful than a random hookup. What's wrong with finding one girl and being in a relationship with her rather than finding a new one every weekend? And why does it seem like I'm the only highschool girl who thinks it's a bad thing to sleep around? I mean, girls call other girls sluts behind their backs for doing it, but they're just being hypocrites. Me?, well I wouldn't be a hypocrite by calling them names, but I don't. I don't know. I just don't see why anyone would want to be with so many different people for just one night things. I'm not saying you're a horrible person if you do it, because 98% of the population probably does it, but personally I find it kindof trashy and gross. But that's just me, and to each her own I guess. What happened to being courted? It's like everything happens out of order nowadays. You meet at a party, online, through a friend, etc. You hang out and before the night is over, that's another person to add to your list of how many people you've been with. After a few weeks, maybe even months, of this behavior you start to actually get to know each other. Then you decide whether or not you like this person, and you may or may not decide to be in a relationship. Correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't it go more like this?: You meet, you hang out, you get to know each other and decide whether or not you want it to go somewhere, and then it plays out from there. This goes back to my first question. Did courting die because girls are becoming trashier and trashier with every new set of freshmen to hit highschool? And is a relationship with a friendship-base really so much to ask for? I've tested this all out personally. I've dated a best friend; it was weird, and our friendship was ruined. I've meet someone new and dated him shortly after; it lasted for sixteen months, and was the best relationship I've ever had. I've hooked up with someone I barely knew; it caused way too much drama for my liking. So why don't other girls see it this way? Why don't they take the time to get to know someone before giving themselves away? Even FWBs don't end up working out like you'd think. At one point one of you will actually have legitimate feelings for the other (whether or not he/shes admits it) and the emotional attachment will make it blow up in your faces. I just don't know what to think anymore. Am I asking too much when I say I want to find a guy who will talk to me and know me on a personal level before anything happens between us? Maybe my self esteem is too high and I should lower it to the level of the girls who are willing to do anything for guys. That's probably one reason a lot of girls are so easy. They're told they aren't good enough to find a guy of the standards they want, so they eventually believe it and settle for being with random guys who only want them for sex. NEWSFLASH: You ARE beautiful. Take off the ten pounds of makeup on your face, throw on some jeans and a cute shirt, fix your hair, and go out. I guarantee at least one guy will look your way. If you go out feeling confident, it'll show, and I promise it'll make it easier to find a sincere guy who actually cares. You don't need makeup, short skirts, or lowcut tops to get guys. Trust me. If you don't believe me, take a look at Emily Chatman, Eva Kahn, Brooke Rogers, Ciara Hall, even me. None of us go out looking trashy and we could all get any guy we wanted if we tried. So why do you all think you have to look like a skank to get noticed? That's not the kindof attention you want. Remember, just because you sleep with him doesn't mean he feels anything for you. The only feelings he's having at that point are the ones in his pants. Sex isn't love, and don't let him trick you into thinking he's going to stick around after the morning.

Sorry for this random rant. I had a lot on my mind, and hopefully some of you can help me figure out the answers to why girls are so trashy. Skanks make the rest of the female population look bad. Get some class, girls, and then I'll listen to your opinions.

So what made you think that he couldn't find the door in the morning
When he found that bed so easily in the dark?
--Cute is What We Aim For <3

Reflections

Have you ever just sat down and thought about your choices? "What if I had done this one thing differently? How would the outcome have changed?" When making decisions it's so easy to choose an option with a definite outcome. But what about the other choice? Would things be simpler if you had chosen differently? Would it have made you happier in the long run, to walk the other path?

Hindsight is 20/20. Foresight? It's a guessing game. What makes you happy now could be devastating in the future. What seems to be wrong now can be the right thing to do. You never know what will happen until the actions are played out, and by then it might be too late to correct any mistakes. You can't change the past, but how can you fix the future if you aren't sure which present choice is the one that will get you where you want to be?

The way I see it, I have infinite options. There's millions of paths I could take to get to my final destination, and even more sidepaths along the way. But which route do I take? The easiest and clearest route? The one that will be tough, but worth the struggle? Or do I take a few steps back, and go the way I always wondered about, to find out what could have been?

I could lie and tell you I'm happy being alone, and follow my yellow brick road to where I've always dreamed of going. I could let myself love you the way I should have to begin with, and deal with the stress of mending all those breaks in our relationship and glue the pieces back together to end up with something that will always be less than perfect. Or, (dare I say it?), I could rewind two years and take chances on unfamiliar roads that I previously ignored out of fear. I could take this learning experience I had with you and start over with someone else and feel the rush of a new relationship.

There are so many separate ways I could venture off onto... But life is a journey not a destination. It's not where I want to end up, but what I do along the way to get where I'm going. When I look back on everything what do I want to see? What do I want to remember? Or, better yet, who do I want to remember being with me?

That's the million dollar question, isn't it? Do I want to see you by my side for the rest of my journey? Or do I want to go alone and hope I make it out okay on my own? I change my mind a thousand times a day, and with something like this, it might takes months or even years for me to be sure of my decision, to know which choice is the right one. But I don't have the luxury of time. You won't wait around forever.

So what happens next?

Customers Aren't Always Right- They're Usually Just Stupid

After working at two different Subways I can honestly say customers are not always right like the policy says. Most of the time they make stupid comments or ask obvious questions that just irritate me. However, because I don't want to lose my job, I'm generally nice to them and don't reply with these sarcastic remarks that I wish I could say back...

Where's your bathroom?
Well let's see... Since there's only one hallway, I'd assume it's down there.

What's on the Chicken Bacon Ranch (or other obvious named sandwich)?
(Believe it or not, I have people who ask me this.) Chicken. And bacon. Oh, and I believe there might be some ranch dressing on it too.

What kind of cheese do you have/do you have Swiss or mozzarella?
If you would look at the sign on the glass right in front of your face, it names the four cheeses we DO have. And I promise it's not false advertising.

Could you heat the meat before you toast it?
I get especially mad at this when we're busy. Why toast the stupid sandwich if you want the meat heated first (or vice versa)?

What kind of vegetables does that come with?
The whole point is for you to choose your own. Hence why I wait for you to tell me what to put on it before I start. Duh.

Do you have any tea?
Are you too lazy to look yourself? See the tea machine to your left? Yes? Well are there two containers below it?

Do you have 5 dollar footlongs/What are they?
Do you see the sign behind me? Can you read prices? What about the list right on the glass in front of you?

What kind of cookies do you have?
Again with the sign reading. Are you freaking blind or illiterate or something? And if you are illiterate, I apologize. But you should still be able to tell what kind of cookies are what.

What's Italian Herbs and Cheese bread?
Normally it's Italian bread that's covered in herbs and some cheese. But sometimes it's wheat bread with Honey Oats on it. *Sarcasm hand raised* NAME THING.

Is the (insert new sandwich name here) any good?
Because half of my life is spent at work and around this food, I'm sick of eating it constantly. So why would I have tried a new sandwich that just came in today? I have NO IDEA how it tastes because just the thought of it makes me want to vomit. And aside from that, people have different tastes, so I probably wouldn't like it anyways even if you would.

Do you have chips?
No. I offer the chips and drink as a joke when I ring you up. *sarcasm hand raised*

Where's the apple/yogurt/juice/bottled beverages?
If you would turn to your right you'll see a cooler. It might just be in there. Then again, I think it's in the register, let me go get it for you...

Is it cheaper to buy the meal?
Contrary to popular beliefs that your sandwich will be cheaper if you ask for the meal, it really isn't. How could it be cheaper if you're spending more money? Exactly. Common sense obviously isn't so common anymore.

(In drive-thru) What's that say below "..."?
Hold on, let me walk outside and check for you, because unfortunately I don't have a drive-thru sign inside the store. That would be awfully inconvenient for people to have to come inside for drive-thru, don't you think?


And along with these dumb questions, people also do things that irk me. This includes:

-Standing with the door open; We have a door alarm that goes off in the back and doesn't shut off until the door is shut. It's extremely annoying.

-Leaving the majority of your trash on the table; We're not your parents. Pick up after yourself. It may be our job to work there but that doesn't mean we should have to do those little things that you're too lazy to do yourself. When you leave messes we can tell you've never worked in a food place before and therefore don't understand how much it sucks. Just please be nice and do it! We really do appreciate it.

-Tracking in dirt after we've just mopped; Thank you for that. No, really. I just love having to go back and mop again a second time. It just gives me the greatest joy.

-Getting a sandwich with a ton of meat plus every vegetable and like six sauces; Do you realize how impossible it is to keep a sandwich like that together and fold it shut? And then cutting a footlong in half like that is a whole other issue.

-Coming inside just to use our bathroom; Yes I understand ours is the cleanest in the area. But is it really necessary? I get up to the front and wash my hands and put on gloves for you just to go to the bathroom and ignore me. Thanks.

-Clogging the toilet (and not telling us); I don't know if you've ever had to unclog a toilet, but it's NOT fun. It makes you gag and it's just a disgusting thing in general.

-Telling me to make one thing and then changing your mind; If you didn't know, we count bread every night. And when I make one sandwich on it and have to change it, then I have to throw away the whole sandwich. Meaning we just wasted a piece of bread and I get in trouble if I waste too much in one week.

-Coming in with a crappy attitude; I don't want to be there in the first place and you being an ass just makes it even less enjoyable.

-Sitting down at a table that I'm obviously about to sweep at; This one is a no-brainer. Why would you even sit down when I've got a huge dirt pile in front of it? Then it takes me even longer to sweep because I can't sweep around customers because it's unsanitary in case dirt were to get in the air. >:(

-Hitting on me; Okay. First off, do you not see the ring on my finger? I promise you I did not pay for it myself. Second, why would I consider you at all when the majority of guys that come in there are nasty hicks who have snuff in their cheek? EWW. No thank you.

-Sharing your whole life story when I'll only know you for another two minutes; I'm not a therapist. If you have problems, go find someone who wants to listen.

-Not acknowledging me when I greet you; That is just rude to be honest. The least you could do is nod your head. But ignoring me altogether? It kind of hurts my feelings.

-Telling me it's not a meal, but you want chips and a drink; Uhmm... I'm not even going to explain this one.

-Talking on your phone when ordering; Again with the rudeness. If your conversation is so important, step out of line so someone who actually wants food can get it.

-Insisting I gave you the wrong change when I know for a fact I didn't; I'm not two. I can count money. Stop trying to cheat me. I can show you on camera that I gave you the right amount.

-When people get angry because a footlong feast or philly is $9.36 with tax and they didn't read the sign that says it; It's not my fault you don't know your numbers right. Don't blame me for you not reading.

-(In drive-thru) Getting angry and leaving when we're obviously extremely busy; Patience is a virtue, ever heard that? I'm sorry we have customers waiting in front of you. Chill your nuts.

-(In drive-thru) Talking to me like I'm stupid when I just can't hear your order with a highway twenty feet behind you; HIGHWAY. TWENTY FEET AWAY. HELLOOOO? I'm not retarded, I know English. But when a loud truck drives behind you or a car revs up really loudly it overpowers you on the speaker. Just pull around to the freaking window to order if I'm making you that angry. Geez.



I'm sure there's a lot more that ticks me off when I'm working, but those are probably the biggest ones. Plus, I just wrote as much as I could in the 45 minutes we had in English to write an essay. Which I didn't write because I didn't deem it necessary. :) Hah, big words.

So next time you go into a Subway, please try to keep these things in mind. We really do love our customers, but sometimes people don't use their brains. I bet you'll be treated much better whatever Subway you go to, unless the employees are the ones with the problem. And if they're crabby, just excuse them. Maybe they're stuck working an 11 hour shift like I've had to do twice. It isn't fun when the customers are rude. Be a nice customer, we'll like you more. :)

Oh, and the sarcasm hand thing came from Dan Bergstein. He is currently reading the Twilight series for the first time and blogging about it on SparkNotes. Go read it. Seriously. He is the funniest guy ever. :D