amor vincit omnia

When I appear to be spacing out, I'm actually just lost in deep thought.

I wonder about things I probably shouldn't be thinking about. I wonder about you...

When you met me, what was going through your head?

How much pain did I cause you the first time? The second? The third?

Why did I ever let myself do that to someone I care so much about?

Did things ever really change between us, or was I imagining things?

Did this happen because I was unhappy being with you, or because I was unhappy with being myself?

Did you ever even notice how much I was hurting, or how much I still do?

Do you realize that when I was with anyone else all I thought about was you?

Can anyone out there see it in my eyes?

Am I that good at hiding this, or do people just not care?

When you decided to leave, did you even consider how it would make me feel?

Did you just assume I'd wait all that time, alone?

Did you know that even though I was upset, I still wasn't going to let go that easily?

When I smile at them, do they know I'm smilling because I'm thinking of you?

Am I the only one of us who still cares?

When I tried to forget, could you sense how much I still remembered?

After all the different ways I've tried to let this go, why can't I?

Have you given up on this already?

What do I have to do to prove myself?

Do you know how difficult it's been to keep this all to myself?



I feel like I shouldn't post this. This would prove how weak I really am, even though I've had many people tell me I'm strong. Honestly, I'm not nearly as strong as I try to be. I'm still hurting guys that are interested in me, even though I've tried to stop. I've taken a lot of criticism from a lot of people who dislike me for "playing" with peoples' emotions. This was never my intention. I don't mean to hurt anyone. In the end, I'm only hurting myself. If you've ever been caught up in my mess of a personal life, I am sincerely sorry. It was never anything personal, I swear. And after growing up a little more the past few months, I've learned a lot of things that are helping me see what I want out of life.



When it comes to relationships, I've watched myself make mistake after mistake with all the wrong guys. I finally found someone who makes me feel whole, but I let others convince me that he wasn't what I really wanted. Some people try to convince him the same about me, but he never listened. If he was strong enough to follow his heart, then why couldn't I? Why was I weak enough to believe people who I probably won't remember twenty years from now? How could I ever let something go when it was the only thing that ever really made sense as a part of my life?



I don't know how long it will take to straighten this chaos out. I don't know if a lifetime will be long enough. I don't know if I am even going to be given another chance to make it right, like I tried to do so many times before. But no relationship is perfect; there will always be disagreements, jealousy, and a little bit of possessiveness. I don't want a perfect relationship though. I just want YOU. I tried to be with other people, but nobody seemed as right for me as you do. People can say what they want about how I feel about you, the things I've put you through, and just me in general. But they aren't us. They don't control us or our feelings. They have no right to judge us or our complicated relationship. What happens between us is just between me and you. And anyone who thinks differently needs to get over it.



You know I'm going to screw up... a lot. That's just how I am, and you know that. But I will try my hardest not to. I'm going to get upset about stupid things, but so will you. We'll just have to try our best to make this work. If you're willing to put in the effort, then so am I. I don't care how busy we both are, how often we'll get to see each other. I just want to know that you're there for me, just like I'll be here for you. If we could make it through the past nearly two years, we can make it through anything. As Nicholas Sparks said in The Notebook, "So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday."



"I am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone requires a leap of faith, and that a soft landing is never guaranteed." - Sarah Dessen

I've also come to that realization, and I'm okay with that. This is me taking a leap of faith. Publicly, of all places to do so. I don't care who reads this or what they may think about this. Maybe I'm making a fool of myself. If so, fantastic. I'm willing to look stupid for you. I will do whatever it takes because I know I was meant to be with you. I can feel it... it's like this ache in my bones. There's just a part of me that hasn't been able to move on because I feel like I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to stay right here with you. This is right where I belong. Maybe I won't make a soft landing from this cliff I'm walking off of, but that's okay. I'm just hoping with everything I have that you'll be at the bottom, waiting to catch me when I fall.



Ich liebe dich zur Sonne und zurueck; We haven't even made it there yet, but if we ever do get that far, let's stay there so we never have to come back to the ending.