Always Loved, Never Forgotten

This was originally intended to be a letter to my friend overseas, but after writing it, I realized it was more of a possible blog post than anything. Let me just say to start off with that I hope the entire Hooper family is doing well, along with Rachelle. They deserve prayers still, a year following the accident that took Matt's life.

A year ago today I lost one of my close friends. His name was Matt Hooper. We met the summer of 2007 during the summer school musical, and over time we started to fall for each other. Beginning of my sophomore year (2008) we started to have a "thing". He was a junior at West Vigo. Unfortunately, when we finally started to try dating, neither of us could drive so it was nearly impossible to get from the south end of town to West T to see each other. We hung out that Halloween, and within the next two weeks we decided we were better off as friends because we would never be able to spend time together like we would want to. In November I dated a different guy, but we broke up mid-December. About two weeks later I started dating Brad. We broke up in March for about four or five weeks because I thought I wanted to see other people (Matt), but Matt had started dating Rachelle not long after and had given up on me. In April I decided to get back together with Brad. That summer during the musical, Brad found out about the thing Matt and I had together. At the rehearsals we always hung all over each other, and it seemed as if we actually were a couple. Out of jealousy Brad decided he didn't want me to be friends with Matt. At first I resisted. I was crazy about Matt, and I wasn't going to just stop being friends with him. But over time I gave in, and Matt and I quit talking regularly, only having secret conversations about how we still felt about each other maybe once every month or two. It was awful not being able to be with each other. Eventually we felt more deeply for Brad and Rachelle, and I pushed everything out of my mind to focus on my actual boyfriend.

When Brad and I finally broke up for good, Matt tried befriending me again. His girlfriend hated me as much as Brad hated Matt, so I told him it was a bad idea. I didn't want to start drama between me and Rachelle, or be the cause of any stress on their relationship. She made him happy, and that's all that mattered. At one point he was dying to see me, so I met up with him to go to the movies... but I took Brad's sister/my best friend (Tara) with me, and practically ignored him the entire time. I'm not proud of that by any means. Had I known it was the last time I was ever going to see him... well, there's no changing the past. So later toward the very end of summer (beginning of my senior year), he and Rachelle [temporarily] broke up. We started talking again and were on good terms. We were literally talking every day for a while. Eventually we made plans to see each other. Sometime during the days leading up to us hanging out, they got back together, but we still planned to see each other. One Monday, I spent the entire school day at Regional Hospital. The next afternoon, my grandpa died. It was September 21, 2010. Matt comforted me to the best of his ability. We had to postpone our plans due to funeral arrangements.

In early September, I had been voted onto homecoming court, and homecoming week started September 27, the coming week. I was excited, and things began looking up after the funeral had been taken care of. That Sunday, September 26, I decided to temporarily move in with my grandma so she wouldn't be living alone. I went to bed that night, exhausted from the funeral, but stoked for homecoming week. Around midnight, my phone kept ringing. I was too tired to comprehend, and kept hitting ignore. At one point I looked at the screen to see who it was, and not recognizing the number, I continued to ignore it. Eventually I woke up, realizing whoever was calling me so persistently on a school night must have something important to say, so I listened to a voicemail from my friend Sarah from West Vigo. I hardly ever talked to her except during the summer musicals, so it seemed odd to me. She was bawling in the message and I couldn't understand it, so I called her back to see what was wrong. There was a car accident, she told me. Matt was in the car with some friends and they were hit by a semi on the highway. Worst of all, they were almost to his house when it happened. Matt didn't make it.

I was shaking as I got off the phone with her. I couldn't breathe. I had to go home, so I called Brad to meet me at my house (although we were broken up, I didn't know who else would understand or listen). I then called my sister, Natali, and had her stay on the phone with me until I got home safely. It was around 1am. When I got home I woke up my mom and broke down. She tried her best to comfort me until Brad showed up. He stayed for maybe about an hour, but had to leave because he had class in the morning. I didn't sleep that night. I was a zombie at school the next day. Somehow everyone knew. First my grandpa, then Matt. I lost two people close to me in less than a week, and I was a mess. Everyone gave me looks of pity; I couldn't stand it. I was crying nonstop between classes, during classes. I continuously had to leave to go to the bathroom because I was sick of everyone staring at me and feeling sorry for me. I went through homecoming coronation and the entire week a huge wreck.

Within the next couple weeks, Sebastian and I started seeing each other. He pulled me out of my depression somehow, and a month later, we were together. Had it not been for him, I probably would not have lived past October 2010, literally. I've come to realize from that experience that I will be okay, no matter what awful situation I am put in. That fact is the one thing that helps me through this current breakup with Sebastian.

Even in the darkest days, there will always be someone who is standing there with a light to help you find your way out. It hurts a lot to let go of him, but I have to. He got me to where I am now, and I owe him thanks for that. But he was just another stepping stone to get me to where I will end up in life. He was a great friend to me when I needed him there. And we had an amazing love while it lasted. But all great things must end, and they lead to better beginnings with better people. I'll be okay.

Matt, I miss you and I always will. Wherever you are, know that I loved you first, and I'll love you most no matter who I am with in the future. RIP 04/08/92-09/26/10 <3