Case of the Mondays

I'm trying to be positive, I am, believe me. But right now it's not even 9am and I already wish today was over. I've been awake for about two hours, if that, and nothing has made my day better aside from waking up to a sweet text from my wonderful boyfriend. BUT I truly just don't feel like ranting to people at work today, so I decided I'd do it on here instead. At least people are less inclined to read/listen if I post it on here.

Let's begin with waking up! My dad just brought me my great-grandma's old bedframe along with some mattresses yesterday, so for the first time in months, I had a real bed of my own. Not some stupid uncomfortable bunk bed. Not an air mattress. Not a guest bedroom deal. MY OWN BED. It's cozier than kittens, and I LOVE it. So after a great night's sleep, getting out of bed when I'm still tired enough to stay in it was difficult. I almost woke up late because I fell back asleep after I shut my alarm off. It's just perfect, okay? And I was bonding with it and am angry that I had to leave it.

Then there was the morning in traffic. Well, for a Monday the flow wasn't that bad at all. At least, not for driving through downtown Indy while everyone is trying to go to work. The first problem wasn't congestion. Oh no. I got myself stuck behind a cop. And this wasn't one of those cops who liked to speed past everyone. Of course not! He wanted to go 60mph. Which means, if I had tried to pass him, I couldn't do it going much faster than him. BUT I COULDN'T! Why? Because everyone else was too scared to pass him, so I got stuck in all the traffic that congealed around him instead. That made me almost late.

Luckily, I got to my exit (just a mile or so away from work) about 5 til 8- plenty of time to get there! Right? WRONG. No, of course, once I got off at the exit, traffic was super backed up. Once I got closer to the light I realized what the problem was- there was semi that broke down right at the intersection at one of the two turn lanes. So instead of merging every other car and being considerate that everyone was probably running late and not just us, all the traffic in my lane would barely let the other people over. I let in three cars because I felt bad that people were being assholes. Do they not understand the concept of merging? I was running late too, but I wasn't cutting people off like they were. People have absolutely no consideration for others anymore and it sickens me. Karma karma karma. Just saying...

So finally I got to work. 8:00 on the dot. Turned on my computer to log on and clock in. But what's this? Oh no, Kristan can't clock in! Her server wants to be a big bag of chodes and kick her off when she literally JUST turned on her computer! It's not even lunchtime yet and it's already screwing up! OH THE JOY! So by the time I finally got my stupid computer to pull up my time clock, it was 8:06 when I punched in. I better not get penalized as being late for that. This system we use sucks and I am tired of it! UGH.

Once I was punched in and had my email up, guess what happened? Well I decided to read my emails of course! First email I opened was from some chick whose company leases/rents from us. I had sent her a request for reports that I need by the end of the month, and rather than just looking for the information herself she asks me to find something for her. Excuse me, but you should know which units of ours you have. You may not use our unit numbers, but you know WHICH EFFING TRUCKS ARE OURS. Why in the hell do you need me to find the vehicle ID numbers when I need the reports for ALL OF OUR TRUCKS THAT YOU HAVE. You should know which ones are ours because they have our effing name on it! OH MY GOD. I get so angry when people are all like "oh will you give me this information" because no I very well effing won't. You have a database with information, you can look it up yourself. I am not your assistant. I do not work for your company. If you want to pay me to do your work for you, I gladly will. But I refuse to continually look shit up for customers when they can find it just as easily as I can! It's not my fucking job to keep track of YOUR shit. I enter trip reports and answer phones. I don't keep your files or follow your records. NOT MY PROBLEM, SCREW OFF.

Obviously I should not be working in an office. Not only do I get sick and tired of stupid customers asking me to do their effing research, but they act like it's part of my job. It isn't. And answering the phones makes me want to kill myself. People like to call our number and not pay attention to when I pick up the phone and after like ten seconds "hello? uh, who is this?" UH EXCUSE ME BUT YOU CALLED ME, SO WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? Or they like to start talking over me when I'm trying to answer. LISTEN DBAG, I am not an automated recording. If you talk over me I will just ask you to repeat what you said AFTER I've finished speaking. Then I get the idiots who think I actually care who they are and what they want. No. Tell me who you need to talk to and I will transfer you. I don't care about what part broke in your truck, I don't care what company you're from, and I sure as hell don't care about your personal problems. Tell me who you need, plain and simple. Otherwise I'll just tune you out until you do. Thanks. My FAVORITE people who call though, are the ones who dial and hang up after I answer. Oh I get so much joy out of that! I wasted my time to stop mid-thought with whatever I'm working on to pick up the phone, and you hang up on me? If you have the wrong number, tell me. Don't be a douche about it. Then I lose my train of thought and by the time I get it back, the damn phone rings again.

I really love coming into work and people ask me how I am. If you don't honestly want to know, then don't effing ask me. I will tell you if I'm pissed off and end up ranting. You don't want to hear it? Then don't ask how I am. Tell me good morning or hi or whatever. But don't say "how are you?" because I more than likely will start to tell you how much I hate coming here every single morning. And nobody wants to listen to an employee complain about how much she hates her job.

Don't get me wrong, I love the company. I've grown up around most of these people because my mom's worked for this company since I was a baby. It isn't the place or the people by any means. It's the idiot customers and the monotony of the job! I can't stand it. I hate sitting at a desk all day. It's going to end up making me fat. I've already started gaining weight the past five months since I've been here, and it's gross. Soon as I find two other jobs where I make enough money to pay my bills, I'm out of here. Spending an hour in the car every day to go to a place that sucks all of my energy just isn't worth it.

End rant. Bye.

Out of control

Every day I wake up and it's always the same. Same time, same alarm, same work schedule. I go to work, sit at a desk for eight hours, do the same tasks, then go home. Repeat five times a week. When the weekend hits, suddenly it's Monday again. I don't ever know what day it is anymore because they all bleed together. I'm on autopilot again and I'm struggling to regain control but afraid if I do, I'll crash. I'm stuck between my worst nightmare and biggest fear, trying to decide which is the lesser of the two evils. In times like these I really need a copilot. But that's a bit of a problem when I've already thrown everyone else off the plane. Where's Superman when you need him? I think I'm headed for disaster no matter which direction I choose.

Quote to live by

"Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing."

-Benjamin Franklin

No big deal, just planning out my future here

I want to start a business. It is on my bucket list, after all! The problem is deciding what kind of company... I've thought about my strengths and what I would like to do, but the problem is that I want to do everything! And I would be good at anything I chose to do, too.

I want a publishing company. A magazine. A bakery. An interior design company. An expansion of SMASH. A card company. A crafts store. An art studio.

I keep wanting all these different things but don't think I can do them all. In reality though, I can do all those things. I just need to want them badly enough, and I need to start small. I need a plan. I also need a job that doesn't suck.

Step one is business cards. I remember when I was younger and my sister and I made cards by hand, we'd print "Luv-U-Lots Co." on the back. I don't think that's a half bad name for a card company, so that's where I might start.

Then I'll need materials and inventory- step two. Third, clients/customers! I need to business to run a business!

Well, I'm getting a little ahead of myself. But there's nothing wrong with dreaming big, is there?

NaNoWriMo

The first time I heard about NaNoWriMo, I was in my first year of college at Hollins University. I wish I had known about it sooner that semester, as hearing about it halfway through the month kind of defeated the purpose if I joined.

The following year, I had hoped to participate. But, to situations beyond my control, I took on three part-time jobs and barely had time to breathe let alone attempt to think up an entire novel.

This year it will be different. This year I will be ready. I have my own speace to dwell and to write. I don't have any ideas yet, but that's neither here nor there. I'll figure out something. After all, don't most writers work best under pressure?

I've been a writer my entire life, but I've been too scared to take on the actual title. People would expect me to be much more profound if I calimed myself as one. They'd ask about my works. They might even ask to read my work! But I think it's time I finally called myself for what I know I am. I am a writer. Maybe not the best or smartest or most well-educated. But I am what I am, and can be whatever I choose!

(Usually at this point I'd say "end of story", but it's only the beginning.)

I am much more bitter than I like to admit.

If there is anyone in the world who can tell me how to let go of all the anger and bitterness I feel, I wish they would. I try so hard to forgive and try to trick myself into believing that I have, but I have not.

I want to. I want to not feel a twinge of resentment when I see you or hear your name. I want to feel completely emotionless about you. It is just so difficult to forgive a friend for hurting you, especially as badly as you hurt me.

It wasn't what you did to me that hurt. No, it was how you did it. So icy and cold one day after being so warm ealier that week. How does someone switch gears like that, so effortlessly? How could you care about someone for so long, to one day wake up and suddenly no longer care?

You brought my biggest fear to life that day. An irrational nightmare come true. And you did it without batting an eye. That's what makes it so impossible to forgive you.

I'm not sure if I ever will.

Responsibilty

If good fortune comes your way, you have no one to thank but yourself. If bad fortune comes your way, you have no one to blame but yourself.

With or without help from others or even your faith, you are the sole pilot of your life. You steer it wherever it goes, regardless of any other influence.

Take responsibility for your life. It's about time you did.

Insomnia

Do you ever look in the mirror and not recognize the person staring back at you?

I don't know, I can't really explain it if you haven't felt this way before. I guess I can try...

You know, I have so many good things in my life right now, but it's like none of it matters. I just feel like I'm on autopilot every day. I look in the mirror and I see the girl staring back at me, and the more I look the more I come to see that I don't know who that girl is anymore. What happened to me?

My sister turned 13 last week and I just kept thinking about how my life was when I was her age. I was innocent, pure. I hadn't even kissed a boy yet. I was also stubborn and selfish, and thought I had all the answers. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I thought I would have my entire life planned out by the time I graduated high school and went to college. And for a while, it seemed that way... then things started changing. I had this whole future set for myself, but other people decided they wanted something different for me. They went off script, and I wasn't prepared for that. Then somehow I ended up here, writing this at 5am alone in "my room" after spending hours crying for no real reason.

Even though I should feel proud of myself and the life I've made, I mostly just feel empty. This isn't the life that I wanted. Not to say that it's a bad life, because it isn't at all. It's just... not what I planned. And yes, I know that sometimes the best things in life aren't planned blah blah blah. But save me the bullshit and tell me something I haven't heard already. I just don't understand why things are the way they are. I had such a great future all lined out- college, career, marriage, family. Of course, minor details changed here and there, but it was essentially always the same plan from the start. Yet right now I'm working a job that I don't really enjoy (only because it pays me well and I've got school loans to pay off now), I dropped out of college (with no intention of returning), I'm living in someone else's house and feel like a total bum (my aunt's, short commute to work, no rent), and my boyfriend lives almost two hours away (I see him maybe once a week if not once every two weeks). It's not a bad life, like I said. I just wish I could fast forward two years.

I've moved around a lot the past two years, and that isn't something I'm proud of. Not that they've all been by choice... but now I'm in such a habit of going from place to place that I never really can feel settled anywhere. The closest I came to that was when I was living in Bloomington, but even that was temporary. I went from Terre Haute to Clay City to Terre Haute to Roanoke to Terre Haute to Bloomington to Terre Haute and now to Indianapolis. Obviously there's a pattern here of me constantly going back home. I suppose you could say it's just a matter of time before I end up back in Terre Haute again, not that I would mind. Indy is lonely. I don't have friends here, or even any major attachments other than a full time job.

You could also argue that I'm either running from something, or back to something. I don't know what it is. Bad luck, maybe? All I know is that I'm tired of never feeling at home anywhere. I don't even feel at home in my parents' house anymore. In all honesty, I've only ever felt at home in Bloomington. It could just be because that's the first town I had my own apartment and real freedom, so I've got an emotional attachment... I honestly just don't know. All I know is that everything has constantly been changing in my life for as long as I can remember. And by constant I don't mean normal speed life changes, I mean that I blink and suddenly everything is crazy different.

I think it started the summer after my junior year of high school. My breakup that summer was one of the toughest times for me. I went a little wild (well, wild compared to how I uptight I was back then) and just when my senior year started and I was finally cleaning up my life, Matt died. Things never really got better after that. I still haven't fully recovered, and I don't think I ever will. Don't get me wrong- things aren't terrible. My relationship right now is amazing. I love him, and wouldn't trade this for the world. But the rest of my life, I don't know so much about now. I guess I just need someone who understands to listen... but most days I don't even feel like talking. I mean, it took me half an hour to type all this out, but four or five days of thinking about it before I actually did it. I've lost motivation in life, and I don't know how to get that back.

Funny how you can be so tired yet can't seem to sleep when you try.