Insomnia

Do you ever look in the mirror and not recognize the person staring back at you?

I don't know, I can't really explain it if you haven't felt this way before. I guess I can try...

You know, I have so many good things in my life right now, but it's like none of it matters. I just feel like I'm on autopilot every day. I look in the mirror and I see the girl staring back at me, and the more I look the more I come to see that I don't know who that girl is anymore. What happened to me?

My sister turned 13 last week and I just kept thinking about how my life was when I was her age. I was innocent, pure. I hadn't even kissed a boy yet. I was also stubborn and selfish, and thought I had all the answers. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I thought I would have my entire life planned out by the time I graduated high school and went to college. And for a while, it seemed that way... then things started changing. I had this whole future set for myself, but other people decided they wanted something different for me. They went off script, and I wasn't prepared for that. Then somehow I ended up here, writing this at 5am alone in "my room" after spending hours crying for no real reason.

Even though I should feel proud of myself and the life I've made, I mostly just feel empty. This isn't the life that I wanted. Not to say that it's a bad life, because it isn't at all. It's just... not what I planned. And yes, I know that sometimes the best things in life aren't planned blah blah blah. But save me the bullshit and tell me something I haven't heard already. I just don't understand why things are the way they are. I had such a great future all lined out- college, career, marriage, family. Of course, minor details changed here and there, but it was essentially always the same plan from the start. Yet right now I'm working a job that I don't really enjoy (only because it pays me well and I've got school loans to pay off now), I dropped out of college (with no intention of returning), I'm living in someone else's house and feel like a total bum (my aunt's, short commute to work, no rent), and my boyfriend lives almost two hours away (I see him maybe once a week if not once every two weeks). It's not a bad life, like I said. I just wish I could fast forward two years.

I've moved around a lot the past two years, and that isn't something I'm proud of. Not that they've all been by choice... but now I'm in such a habit of going from place to place that I never really can feel settled anywhere. The closest I came to that was when I was living in Bloomington, but even that was temporary. I went from Terre Haute to Clay City to Terre Haute to Roanoke to Terre Haute to Bloomington to Terre Haute and now to Indianapolis. Obviously there's a pattern here of me constantly going back home. I suppose you could say it's just a matter of time before I end up back in Terre Haute again, not that I would mind. Indy is lonely. I don't have friends here, or even any major attachments other than a full time job.

You could also argue that I'm either running from something, or back to something. I don't know what it is. Bad luck, maybe? All I know is that I'm tired of never feeling at home anywhere. I don't even feel at home in my parents' house anymore. In all honesty, I've only ever felt at home in Bloomington. It could just be because that's the first town I had my own apartment and real freedom, so I've got an emotional attachment... I honestly just don't know. All I know is that everything has constantly been changing in my life for as long as I can remember. And by constant I don't mean normal speed life changes, I mean that I blink and suddenly everything is crazy different.

I think it started the summer after my junior year of high school. My breakup that summer was one of the toughest times for me. I went a little wild (well, wild compared to how I uptight I was back then) and just when my senior year started and I was finally cleaning up my life, Matt died. Things never really got better after that. I still haven't fully recovered, and I don't think I ever will. Don't get me wrong- things aren't terrible. My relationship right now is amazing. I love him, and wouldn't trade this for the world. But the rest of my life, I don't know so much about now. I guess I just need someone who understands to listen... but most days I don't even feel like talking. I mean, it took me half an hour to type all this out, but four or five days of thinking about it before I actually did it. I've lost motivation in life, and I don't know how to get that back.

Funny how you can be so tired yet can't seem to sleep when you try.