This One's for You.

This is for the girls who don't always win. Who stay up all night comforting friends. Who smile when they hurt, cry when they're happy, and laugh when they really don't get the joke. The girls who still have hope that a prince truly awaits them with a fairytale ending. Who get their hearts broken by boys who never were good enough for them anyway. The girls who may never have it easy. Who work their hardest only to end up with less than they deserve. Who let go of the ones they love just to see if they'll come back. The girls who refuse to listen to what they've heard. Who end up learning the hard way. Who tell other girls they're beautiful, because it's what's on the inside that counts. Who would do anything to make someone else smile. The girls who believe there is something in this world worth fighting for. Who give all they've got and never take. Who publicly make mistakes and are okay with that. The girls who wear their hearts on their sleeves. Who have been laughed at and spit on, but still stand tall with their heads held high. The real girls.

I want you to know that no matter what life puts you through, you will get through it. Because that's what girls like us do; we get through it. You are amazing and beautiful, and I believe in your ability to conquer any obstacle that gets in your way. Keep doing what you're doing; it gives the rest of the girls hope that they can someday be as great as you.

I love when things I wrote in the past apply to the present.

I'm sure I've posted this before, but I don't care. This poem is IMHO probably one of two favorites/best I've ever written. I wrote the first half of this sometime during freshman year of highschool, and added the second part during sophomore year. It's the poem I recited at the Revue sophomore year. And the form and punctuation on here is probably wrong/different than how it was when I originally wrote it, but oh well. It probably reads better as I just wrote it here. c:

"Blinded by Fake Love"

It's sad that you thought

I couldn't see

Through your lies,

Your disguise.

It all comes as no surprise-

I can see

In your eyes

The truth that you try

So hard to hide.

And it's sad that you think

I still care.

You're trying to hold on

To something that's not even there,

And now you're stuck with

Trouble to bear.

I can see in your eyes

All of your nightmares.

It hurts me to see

Your despair

Even though you're to blame.Things just don't seem the same,

And every time I hear your name

I want to cry.

And I'm not sure why,

But it's killing me inside...

And I can see the way

You keep trying to play

All these games

With my mind.

Oh, but honey,

Don't you know?

I can see in your eyes

The demons that lie inside,

And they reveal the truth

Behind your show.

And how could you be so low

To try to play me like you did?And how could I

Be so naive

To let you in

To my heart,

The one part of me

That's easiest to break.

But now I can see

(Through my own eyes)

That this love was just fake.You were my biggest mistake.

This is my final goodbye;

I'm done with heartache.

Just a thought on all this anti-abortion nonsense...

Why are people STILL throwing fits about abortion? I've seen more and more posts shared on my News Feed lately about how it's unethical, blah blah blah. I understand you were once a fetus as well, but are you that fetus? No. Is it growing inside your body? No. Is it personally affecting you physically or causing you some harm by a stranger deciding to terminate her pregnancy? No. So why do you all have your panties in a twist about this? I am obviously all for voicing your opinion; I do it constantly and most of the time obnoxiously. It's great that you have something that you stand up for and believe in. But when you start shoving beliefs down other peoples' throats that are based on religious morals and ethics... That's when it reaches the point of ridiculousness.

Abortion is common. And the only difference between that and miscarriage is the fact that it was a choice. Women miscarry all the time due to complications within their own body, but are you screaming at them for killing a child due to things they can't control? No. But maybe they're glad they miscarried, because they didn't intend to have the child anyway. Would you be as angry toward them as you are the women who intentionally aborted their fetus? I doubt it. Why? Because it wasn't their choice. When you think about it though, it really isn't any different. They still didn't want the child either. Shouldn't that make them equally as bad in your eyes as the women who obtain abortions? Yet, people feel sorry for women that might potentially be glad they miscarried and judge those who choose to end the pregnancy. It isn't fair when you think about it.

Of course, most of the arguments people like to make about this have to do with their religious upbringing. They believe the fetus has a soul, that God intended for her to have this child or she wouldn't be pregnant, that it's unnatural, etc etc. And the other arguments are generally based off of other personal ethics. All I have to say about the religious view is that there are billions of people in the world that do not practice your beliefs. And as far as the other personal ethics go, if it doesn't affect you personally, get over it. It isn't your life, your body, or your unborn child. We have plenty of children in need of a home already, why are you trying to force them to bring a new life into this world that they do not want to or cannot actually take care of? Instead of worrying about the unborn children, worry about the ones who don't have parents.

And then you've got the people who are against abortion except for cases including rape, incest, or when it is life-threatening to the mother. I don't think there should be any gray area when it comes to ethical debates. Either you think it's wrong or you don't. It's that simple. The life-threatening situation is totally understandable for you to support, but either way you would be losing a life and gaining another. So if in all other circumstances the baby's life is that important, then why is it suddenly the mother's life is now more important than the baby's? She's had her chance at living and has enjoyed her time here, so why not let the baby have a chance if it matters so much to you? Think about that. For the rape cases, I won't even touch that topic. And incest? The main reason for this being "okay" is what, because of physical or mental deformities of the child, right? Please correct me if that's wrong. But if that's the case, then what about the other handicapped children? Many doctors can find these issues during the pregnancy, so in this instance, you're basically saying they should be "okay" for abortion too. Right? Basically what I'm getting at is most of you who are on the fence about this argument are being hypocritical, which is why I think this should be in black and white. It's either right or wrong in your opinion. There should be no other option, because it opens too many possibilities for other arguments of what situations are and are not acceptable.

I'm not saying I like abortion, by any means. So if that's what you got out of this, then I apologize. I am not promoting it or saying I would ever have one, nor am I saying I'm against it. I think that it's a personal choice, and other people should have no say in what happens about someone else's fetus. People outside of the situation should not be dictating what other women should do with their lives. And the government should not be allowed to legislate on an issue based purely on personal beliefs either. Voice your opinion if you will, but don't make them feel guilty about making a choice for their own lives. Maybe if you were in their situation, you would understand better. Instead of throwing all these anti-abortion messages around, you should be supportive and respectful of the fact that it is indeed her body, her choice, and her possible emotional trauma to follow. After all, you know her name, not her story; you know what she's done, not what she's been through. Respect and love, don't judge and hate.

Leben. Lachen. Lieben.

The title consists of three German verbs; leben- to live, lachen- to laugh, lieben- to love. These three words will become a part of me, right next to the phrase "amor vincit omnia" (love conquers all, Latin) that is tattooed on my left hip. Many people look down on tattoos and piercings; they think you are defacing your body in horrible ways. But what is so bad about it, really? It's a personal choice. Piercings aren't permanent, so people need to stop playing that card. And as far as that goes, gauges that are small enough CAN be shrunk. My ears are double gauged to a zero and a two, and I guarantee if I leave them out long enough they will shrink. So don't get me started on that. Piercings can be removed, so stfu about them.

And when it comes to tattoos, I will agree that some people get them "just because". I think that the only stupid reason is a lack of reason. Some people see their body as a canvas, and choose to decorate it as a form of art and personal expression. I find that intriguing and beautiful in its own form. Others, like me, have meaning behind every tattoo they have or want. It's our way of wearing our hearts on our sleeve, so to speak. Don't be so quick to judge just because you see someone covered in ink. You may know their name, but that doesn't mean you know their story. To your eyes they might not be attractive, but that does not make them any less beautiful than the rest of us. The fact that you judge them based on their skin and not on their heart makes you less beautiful. It kills me to see people hating others based on such trivial things.

Hate. Doesn't it always come down to that? This world is so full of it, and I want to change that. I probably sound like a huge hippie when I say this, but everyone needs to spread the love. I don't care if that is something as little as holding the door open for five seconds longer for a stranger, or as big as sending in large donations to charities. Everybody deserves happiness and if we don't try to make the world a better place, who will? I honestly believe that if everyone were to go out of their way for at least two people each day in a random act of kindness, this world would be happier. It's called paying it forward. I'd think you would want to do so, that way when you're gone people remember you for the great things you've done. You don't know how much time you have to live, so why not spend your time trying to make life easier for other people? c:

Let me tell you a real story from my life. Once upon a time, I was the epitome of unhappy. I tried to act like I wasn't, and usually I pulled it off. One day I was driving and saw a homeless man standing at an intersection, watching as car after car passed him by. I'm sure most people avoided looking at him so they wouldn't feel as bad ignoring him. As I inched closer, the light turned red again, and I was stopped next to him. As a sixteen year old, I didn't exactly have a lot of money, so all I could scrape up in my car was about a dollar in change. I gave the coins to him. I cannot even describe the look of pure joy on his face when I handed him that small amount of money. To him, something was much better than nothing, and instantly I felt happier too. He went back to standing where he was, but this time with the hint of a smile on his face. I realized that things could be worse, and I have a lot to be grateful for. I'm blessed to have so many people that love me and care about me. Some people don't have that.

Since that day, I've gone out of my way when I've had the chance to do things for other people to make them smile. When I see pennies on the ground that are tails up, I flip them over and hope a child will spot them. Remember how excited we used to get when we'd find those? I still get excited about it. I randomly bake things and share with anyone I see. Who doesn't love homemade brownies or cupcakes? Text messages to someone on his/her birthday is always more personal than a Facebook wallpost, so I always try to text them if I can. Don't you feel more special when someone has to go out of their way to send a text rather than a quick "happy birthday" on your wall? I write inspirational notes on mirrors in dry erase marker, or leave them on Post-its where others will find them. Wouldn't you feel better about yourself if you walked into the bathroom and the mirror said you looked beautiful? Exactly. The smallest gestures can have the biggest impact on someone.

Along those same lines, by acting rude to someone it can really push them over the edge. You may be having a horrible day, but you should never take it out on someone else. For all you know, they might be suicidal and your snarky comment could be the last one they ever hear. Don't let yourself be that person. Suck it up, and be kind to others even if you haven't been having the best day. Making someone else smile is sure to make you feel better. Good karma will always come back around, and you'll be grateful when it does.

Not only have I seen people being cruel to others, I've started seeing more and more people being cruel to themselves. Mostly girls, but some guys as well. I am constantly hearing people tell me that they think they aren't good enough. That they aren't smart enough. Pretty enough. Important enough. Nice enough. Funny enough. The list goes on and on... But I don't think they understand what they're saying. Everyone is good, smart, pretty, important, nice, funny, etc. Some more than others, but to place people in such an order would involve OPINION. And opinion is not fact, as we all very well know. You are enough to make you you. Nobody else can ever be all of those things in the same way that you are, which is what makes you so important. Everybody is somebody, and I promise that you mean something to someone. You all mean something to me, otherwise you wouldn't be on my friends list! c; You're enough for anybody, and anyone who doesn't see that or appreciate that isn't enough for you.

Then I get to hear the argument that if you're so awesome you wouldn't be single. BAH! All I have to say to that is this: People tell me how awesome I am all the time, and I'm single. BOOM. Okay, so you'll tell me that it's my choice to be single blah blah blah. Well in that case, it's your choice too. I'm sure you know somebody would be more than happy to date you, you just have standards set too high, or you don't feel the same way. Therefore, YOUR CHOICE. Don't try to argue this point with me, I will win. If you are reading this and you are single, then you are single because you're too amazing to settle for less than you deserve. I promise you aren't "forever alone". You're a much stronger person for being able to handle all the things life throws at you by yourself, whereas those in a relationship have someone else to rely on or to share the burden with. You're tough, and I respect that.

And I'm not saying relationships make life easy. I know that's not true!!! Relationships are tough too, I'm not trying to belittle them. If you're reading this and you are in a relationship, then that's very exciting! I'm glad you've found someone who makes you happy and that you enjoy spending your time with. It's not easy to find, so when you come across it you have to hold on to it as long as you can. And if it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world. It just means there's someone better waiting out there for you to find them. So keep looking. They're out there. Don't give up hope because of how badly one relationship ended. Use it to make a happier beginning with someone new. You're going to get burned, bruised, crushed, and scarred. But that's love. If it was easy, it wouldn't be worth having. And you know it's definitely worth fighting for. c:

As a side note, I hope all of you take the time to find joy in the little things in life. People take things way too seriously sometimes, but it's okay to have fun once in a while! If you do something embarrassing, laugh at yourself! It eases the tension and you don't feel like everyone is laughing at you because they would be laughing with you. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten myself out of awkward situations by laughing it off. Also, appreciate the people around you. Tell them you love them as often as you can, and continue to remind them that they are important. Reminisce about being younger and naive, and joke about how silly you were. Just make sure to recount the lessons you've learned from those experiences, and use them to grow and become a better person. Laugh about the things that once made you cry, because you realize now that it wasn't the worst thing that could happen. Cry about the things that once made you laugh, because you realize now that things change in the blink of an eye and you can never go back to those memories. Talk to old friends as often as possible, because you realize now that they are the ones who have made you into who you are today. Make new friends every day, because you realize now that they could be the people who shape you into the person you will become later in life. And most importantly, smile. It makes the world brighter. c:

So, that's my pointless ramble for today. Maybe you've read this and found something useful, who knows. I hope that if you read through this completely, you walk away with at least this much: (1) Live. (2) Laugh. (3) Love.

I just need to vent a little.

You said forever. I wish I had known that to you forever was only until I left for college. I know I’m better off without you, because any guy who would throw me away like that doesn’t deserve me. But it’s not you that I miss so much, it’s what we had together. My biggest fear has always been that one day I would wake up and people would realize they just don’t care about me anymore. I always thought that was an irrational fear, something that would never really happen. Well guess what? You did that. You woke up one day and realized you didn’t care about me, you didn’t want me anymore. And of all people to do that to me, it was you, the one person I trusted more than anyone in the world. Thank you for making my worst fear a reality. I gave you all of me, 170%. I never betrayed you, never intentionally hurt you. But you did that to me and tried to say I deserved it because of petty things I had done in the past. Why? Why is she better than me? What does she have that I don’t? The only conclusion I can come to, is convenience. She’s there and I’m not. You’re far too needy to be able to deal with a girlfriend being three states away, even though you would see me once every month or two. You are so dependent on a relationship to define who you are that without a girlfriend RIGHT THERE you don’t know what to do with yourself. And honestly, that’s more pathetic than the boys who come running back to me after I’ve broken their hearts. You say you’re the best of all that I’ve been with; I call bullshit. They would never have hurt me like you did. And even now, when you’ve run off with this other girl and forgotten all about me, they’re the ones who are helping me pick myself up. So f*** you. I deserve better than you. I can’t wait for the day when you realize what you’ve lost.

Insert Clever Title Here

I want to know why I'm spending an hour in the counselor's office one day a week. Okay, so I understand the two huge panic attacks within twelve hours of each other was kindof a big deal, so they wanted to get me help. But honestly, counseling isn't helping anything. All I do is talk about my life and have her tell me I'm doing exactly what I should be doing to prevent the anxiety. Why do I need to talk to someone about things that I can analyze myself, when all she insists is that I need to get on a better sleep schedule? It's frustrating! I blocked him out of my life in every way possible, I get out of my room to spend time with friends, I don't skip classes, and I'm not moping around all day. I'm over it, I promise you. If I wasn't, there have been a few things that would have triggered more attacks by now. Trust me. So tell me whyyyyy I have to continue making these appointments?

Don't get me wrong- I love talking about myself (obviously). And it's pretty awesome because her job is to listen, so that means I can just talk as much or as a little as I want. I'm a pretty open book; if you ask me something I will tell you straight-up. If you don't want to know, then don't ask; it's that simple. People will see that I'm upset about something and ask if I'm okay, and then when I start to vent they get this expression like "Oh, I was just expecting you to answer 'fine' just so I felt like I tried to help even though I really don't care about your life or your problems". Uh, HELLO!?!? Don't ask me if I'm okay if you don't want an honest answer. The only time I tell people I'm fine when I'm really not is if I know they're just being nosy, or if I'm trying to keep myself from completely falling apart. I don't mind venting to people, but breaking down in front of them is a whole different story. Talking about my problems doesn't bother me, but when I'm about to lose it and just start crying... I just don't like people seeing me that vulnerable. Ever.

So, the counseling thing... She's a wonderful lady. I enjoy talking to her, because she really is nice and seems like she truly just wants to help. But the thing is, there are so many other girls in this school, this country, this world even that need a lot more help than me. She said so herself that I know what I'm doing. I'm not being harmful to myself or others in any way, and I'm dealing with my current situation(s) to the best of anyone's ability. There is nothing anyone can do or say that could possibly make things go more smoothly than they are right now. So why should she focus on me and my life? There are plenty of girls that need her help more. If I want to talk that badly, well, that's what I have a blog for, right? ^_^ I feel like I'm almost wasting her time when she could be counseling someone that is clueless on how to recover from whatever tragedy has struck them. But no, instead she'd rather learn about my life and experiences and the things that have made me who I am today. I almost feel like I'm some sort of experiment... Like she is observing me to figure out how I became to be this kind of person, so she can direct other girls down that same path to recovery. I don't know. That's just my thought.

Aside from the counseling, things are basically back to normal, whatever "normal" may be. I've been learning new songs on guitar and uploading videos like crazyyyy. I've been working basically all weekend every weekend. I get to see my friends and family back home later this week, and I didn't realize how much I missed home until I made the trip back official. I also have been caught up on my homework for once, so that's exciting news too! Only thing I'm falling behind in? Newspaper. Yikes. I had two articles (sports, of all things!) due yesterday and I just can't bring myself to write them! It's awful. :c I'll get them done eventually though. AND TONIGHT after I get off work, I'm going with my roommate to Hampden-Sydney College to meet up with another friend for the night and hang with some boys. BOYS. Yes, I said it. BOYS. I miss having guy friends around, and I can't wait to meet some FINALLY! :D I guess that's it for my minor update/rant. Have a lovely rest of the weekend! <3