Always Loved, Never Forgotten

This was originally intended to be a letter to my friend overseas, but after writing it, I realized it was more of a possible blog post than anything. Let me just say to start off with that I hope the entire Hooper family is doing well, along with Rachelle. They deserve prayers still, a year following the accident that took Matt's life.

A year ago today I lost one of my close friends. His name was Matt Hooper. We met the summer of 2007 during the summer school musical, and over time we started to fall for each other. Beginning of my sophomore year (2008) we started to have a "thing". He was a junior at West Vigo. Unfortunately, when we finally started to try dating, neither of us could drive so it was nearly impossible to get from the south end of town to West T to see each other. We hung out that Halloween, and within the next two weeks we decided we were better off as friends because we would never be able to spend time together like we would want to. In November I dated a different guy, but we broke up mid-December. About two weeks later I started dating Brad. We broke up in March for about four or five weeks because I thought I wanted to see other people (Matt), but Matt had started dating Rachelle not long after and had given up on me. In April I decided to get back together with Brad. That summer during the musical, Brad found out about the thing Matt and I had together. At the rehearsals we always hung all over each other, and it seemed as if we actually were a couple. Out of jealousy Brad decided he didn't want me to be friends with Matt. At first I resisted. I was crazy about Matt, and I wasn't going to just stop being friends with him. But over time I gave in, and Matt and I quit talking regularly, only having secret conversations about how we still felt about each other maybe once every month or two. It was awful not being able to be with each other. Eventually we felt more deeply for Brad and Rachelle, and I pushed everything out of my mind to focus on my actual boyfriend.

When Brad and I finally broke up for good, Matt tried befriending me again. His girlfriend hated me as much as Brad hated Matt, so I told him it was a bad idea. I didn't want to start drama between me and Rachelle, or be the cause of any stress on their relationship. She made him happy, and that's all that mattered. At one point he was dying to see me, so I met up with him to go to the movies... but I took Brad's sister/my best friend (Tara) with me, and practically ignored him the entire time. I'm not proud of that by any means. Had I known it was the last time I was ever going to see him... well, there's no changing the past. So later toward the very end of summer (beginning of my senior year), he and Rachelle [temporarily] broke up. We started talking again and were on good terms. We were literally talking every day for a while. Eventually we made plans to see each other. Sometime during the days leading up to us hanging out, they got back together, but we still planned to see each other. One Monday, I spent the entire school day at Regional Hospital. The next afternoon, my grandpa died. It was September 21, 2010. Matt comforted me to the best of his ability. We had to postpone our plans due to funeral arrangements.

In early September, I had been voted onto homecoming court, and homecoming week started September 27, the coming week. I was excited, and things began looking up after the funeral had been taken care of. That Sunday, September 26, I decided to temporarily move in with my grandma so she wouldn't be living alone. I went to bed that night, exhausted from the funeral, but stoked for homecoming week. Around midnight, my phone kept ringing. I was too tired to comprehend, and kept hitting ignore. At one point I looked at the screen to see who it was, and not recognizing the number, I continued to ignore it. Eventually I woke up, realizing whoever was calling me so persistently on a school night must have something important to say, so I listened to a voicemail from my friend Sarah from West Vigo. I hardly ever talked to her except during the summer musicals, so it seemed odd to me. She was bawling in the message and I couldn't understand it, so I called her back to see what was wrong. There was a car accident, she told me. Matt was in the car with some friends and they were hit by a semi on the highway. Worst of all, they were almost to his house when it happened. Matt didn't make it.

I was shaking as I got off the phone with her. I couldn't breathe. I had to go home, so I called Brad to meet me at my house (although we were broken up, I didn't know who else would understand or listen). I then called my sister, Natali, and had her stay on the phone with me until I got home safely. It was around 1am. When I got home I woke up my mom and broke down. She tried her best to comfort me until Brad showed up. He stayed for maybe about an hour, but had to leave because he had class in the morning. I didn't sleep that night. I was a zombie at school the next day. Somehow everyone knew. First my grandpa, then Matt. I lost two people close to me in less than a week, and I was a mess. Everyone gave me looks of pity; I couldn't stand it. I was crying nonstop between classes, during classes. I continuously had to leave to go to the bathroom because I was sick of everyone staring at me and feeling sorry for me. I went through homecoming coronation and the entire week a huge wreck.

Within the next couple weeks, Sebastian and I started seeing each other. He pulled me out of my depression somehow, and a month later, we were together. Had it not been for him, I probably would not have lived past October 2010, literally. I've come to realize from that experience that I will be okay, no matter what awful situation I am put in. That fact is the one thing that helps me through this current breakup with Sebastian.

Even in the darkest days, there will always be someone who is standing there with a light to help you find your way out. It hurts a lot to let go of him, but I have to. He got me to where I am now, and I owe him thanks for that. But he was just another stepping stone to get me to where I will end up in life. He was a great friend to me when I needed him there. And we had an amazing love while it lasted. But all great things must end, and they lead to better beginnings with better people. I'll be okay.

Matt, I miss you and I always will. Wherever you are, know that I loved you first, and I'll love you most no matter who I am with in the future. RIP 04/08/92-09/26/10 <3

This is New

Ever since our garage/house fire in mid-July, everything around me has slowly but surely been changing. And now after being in college for a month, absolutely nothing is the same. I'm not sure if I like these changes yet or not.

First our garage burned down, and part of the roof of our house; we relocated to a hotel but after a few days I couldn't handle it and went to stay at my grandma's, and occasionally friends' houses when I was able to. Moving out mid-July was awful. I only had a little over a month left until school, and I was floating around from place to place and trying to deal with not having my own personal space for a long time. When I came to school it was a little better because I had my own official bed and space, but now I'm sharing a room. Not that it's a problem; I like Julia (my roommate) a lot. I just miss my own room. And now when I go home, the entire house will be remodeled and redecorated and I'm not even going to recognize it anymore. I hate that I didn't appreciate the comfort of the familiarity when I had the chance.

A few days ago, I got dumped. We'd been together for nearly a full year at this point, and he had even bought me a promise ring a couple weeks before I left for school. I understand long distance is difficult, but if you really love someone that much, you'll make it work, right? Apparently not. He said his feelings changed. Whatever. All I know that's true about this is that I'm alone now, and have to adjust to being single for the first time in an entire year. It's scary as hell thinking about putting myself out there again. I've never been dumped before, and any pain I've felt of a breakup was always my own doing. But having my heart really and truly broken for the first time? I don't even have words to describe how much it hurts. And although I am doing much better now than I was before, that doesn't mean it's stopped hurting or that I no longer think about it. I do, every day, all day. It kills me to know I've lost such a great relationship just because he doesn't want to deal with me being so far from home, or because I'm now an inconvenience in his life and no longer part of his life plans. It's tragic, really. But, as Taylor Swift once wrote, "People are people and sometimes we change our minds, but it's killing me to see you go after all this time." I wish him the best, I really do, but I'm going to miss him like crazy. I guess things happen for a reason, of course, I'm just not sure what that reason is yet. I hope I figure it out someday.

So, let's recount: house fire, college life, single. Doesn't sound so bad in the end, does it? I guess it's not the end of the world, but some days it feels like it. On the upside, I've been talking to a lot of my guy friends more frequently now, and that's amazing. I forgot how great it was to have a guy friend that was JUST a friend and not a boyfriend. Now I remember why I enjoy their company so much. Girls might understand the whole situation better from their perspective, but guys are much more comforting and are better at boost self esteem. I love all of my friends that have helped me through everything though. If any of them are reading this, you're the best! I don't know where I would be without my friends. <3

A huge part of me misses what I used to have and the way things were, but I know I can never get that back no matter how much I wish for it. All I can do is pick up where things are now and keep trying to move forward. It's not easy, but I don't have any other choice unless I want to sit here every day and be depressed, moping about how I hate everything now and want to reverse time. That would be pointless, and I would hate to live a pointless existence.

What happens now? I'm not really sure yet. I'm still working on figuring out my next move. This whole being single and away at college thing is new to me. Guess I'll enjoy it while it lasts!

This is the End.

You were so cold with the words that you said

You ripped me apart thread by thread

And all I ever wanted was you

I gave you everything, I gave you all of me

But I wasn't good enough for you and never would be

And all I ever wanted was you

She came out of nowhere, she stole your heart

You left me with nothing alone in the dark

And all I ever wanted was you

All I ever wanted

Was too good to be true

I should've known from the start

I'd never have you

You crossed you heart and swore I was the one

It was so easy for you to take back and say you were done

And all I ever wanted was you

I put my guard down and let you inside

You told me you'd never hurt me, but baby you lied

And all I ever wanted was you

She may have you now, but I'll move on fast

I'll find someone who cares and will actually last

And you're going to wish for me back

Every melody and lyric make a song

But they always end-

I knew it would all along.

And all I ever wanted is gone.

What to Do?

You know, as much as I love this school and the people here... and as much as it feels like a home to me... I'm freaking bored. Even when I'm with friends, doing homework, whatever. I am bored all the time. I feel like college isn't the right place for me. That sounds bad, right? Whatever. It's true. Honestly, no matter what degree I get, I don't think it's going to make a difference at all. I just want to be a mom, that's about it. And to do that, I don't need a degree in music, theatre, or English.

I know I'm supposed to be this really driven girl who strives to achieve anything. And I am! I am trying to do so much here without overwhelming myself, and I love being involved in the things I am doing, but the actual education part doesn't seem to fit well. You're probably thinking, "She's just like every other student, unsure of what she wants in life. By this time next year she'll have her major declared, no problem." Uh, wrong. I know exactly what I want in life. And what I want does not require a four-year college degree. Honestly, I feel like this is just something I'm doing to keep busy and to keep my mom from being upset with me about not going to school.

No, it's not the school's fault. I sincerely love Hollins. The girls here are fantastic and fun, and I enjoy their company. No, it's not just homesickness. Yes, I do miss home, but this also feels like home to me now. I feel like the only reason I went to school was because my parents pushed me so hard because they didn't want to see me not go through college, or decide later on that I wish I had. My mom took about ten years to get her four-year degree because she started an unplanned family. She wanted to go to school, education was for her. But I'm not stupid, I'm not naive, and I just feel that no matter what subject I am learning about, it isn't interesting enough or isn't going to do me any good.

So what, I'll walk out of here with a four-year degree, most likely in music, right? But I don't want to teach, and that will never change. I'm not a composer. I don't want to be involved in the music industry. So what good will that degree actually do me? I could always do something in science, math, psychology, etc. But why would I want to take classes that bore me? That defeats the whole purpose of a liberal arts school.

I don't know anymore really. People from work always joked about how I would never want to work at Subway for the rest of my life, which I don't. But that doesn't mean I can't just stay there until Sebastian finishes school, and start my life from there. There is nothing wrong with working there as a manager for years. Nothing at all. I would not be ashamed to say I work there either. McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, etc... Yeah I would NOT want to work there forever. But I honestly loved Subway and the location I worked at. And I could definitely do that for another four or five years. But school? It's not that I'm lazy, because if you knew me at all you'd know I am one of the hardest workers you'll ever meet. It's just that I don't want to waste my time and money on an education I won't even use in the future, only to put myself into debt for the rest of my life, when I could be working full-time and saving up money for my future.

When I think about it, I know what the logical answer is. I know what most people think I should do. I know what I want to. And in the end, what I want and feel is most important, right? It's not even been a month here yet, so I'll stick it out this semester. But the question is, how do I tell my mom over winter break before the next semester starts? :/

Ready or Not

Maybe it's just me, but it seems like the last six months disappeared rather quickly. I find myself sitting in my dorm room at Hollins in Virginia, and it blows my mind how fast the time has gone by. I swear just yesterday I was watching all of my friends cry about leaving middle school, and now we're in college. College. Such a simple word for such a big change. Wow. I had my first classes yesterday and although it feels different than highschool, it's really not. Yeah, they grade more harshly. Yeah, grades are dependent much more on tests than on petty homework assignments. And yes, you have a lot more free time between classes and after and before. But when you think about it, what's really so different? The teachers still get pissy about cell phones in class. Attendance still can count toward a decent amount of your grade. And there are still those girls that you can tell are total bitches without even saying a word to them. So why is it such a big deal to some people? College is no different than highschool, not really. People tend to care less about you and your life problems and so far there is a lot less drama here than I had in highschool. But I don't know.

Don't take that as me saying I don't like college, because I do. I love it here. I intend to be a music major, and currently my schedule consists of three music classes (theory, sightsinging, and instruments made by hand in other cultures), an intro to theatre design class, a history class on the Holocaust, and I got accepted into concert choir and a chamber orchestra. MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC. I know, right? I might just die from the overload of 21 credits! On top of that, I've been working out for 30-60 minutes every morning at 8am. My classes don't start until 10:30 and go until 2:30 every day, so I have plenty of time for activities before and after. But choir is three nights a week from 4:30-5:30, and orchestra is one night a week from 7:30-9 (same night as one of the choir rehearsals), so that cuts a lot out of my free time. Plus, I'm currently in the process of filling out paperwork to help out in the scene shop for theatre to be a techie. c: So in between all of that I have to find time to actually do my homework and practice viola, and still have time to hang with my new friends. And I'm going to run for Class VP. Long story short, I'm busy 24/7!

It's crazy how different things are, but how similar they can be at the same time. I'm basically staying involved in all the things I did in highschool; I'm even trying to start a SMASH Club chapter here (they already have an animal rights club, but it's not SGA funded, so I might convince them to make it a SMASH chapter!). It really feels like home here, and I'm loving every second of it. I've made so many friends already, and I can tell they'll definitely be around for a while. And in two weeks, Sebastian will be coming out here to spend the weekend with me and he'll get to meet all of my friends too! It's just really exciting stuff. C:

This kindof turned into me describing my life at school, but that's not where it was headed... My point to this blog was, I wonder what all of my old friends are doing? Nobody texts me, nobody calls, nobody hardly even Facebooks me anymore! What's up with that? Was I that invisible to all of my old friends that they just quit caring because I went so far away instead of going to the same schools with all of them? I mean, don't get me wrong or anything, they're awesome people, but honestly I was sick of only going to school with the same kids I've known my entire life. Isn't the whole point of college to go out there and meet new people? Yeah, uh, hello, Terre Haute South? YOU'RE ALL GOING TO SCHOOL TOGETHER AND NOT SOCIALIZING WITH NEW PEOPLE. Which is why you have the same drama from the same people in college. Which is why I did the smart thing and left. This way, if I meet someone that I think will cause me problems, all I have to do is pretend like I never even met them, and voila! No drama! When you go to the same colleges with the same kids from highschool, all the old drama is still there and so are all the people who you've been around or involved with in the past. It just doesn't go away. It's nice to go somewhere new and have a clean start. You can reinvent yourself, and that's what I'm doing. Maybe you all should try it sometime, it's awesome.

At the same time, I still have some friends who didn't go to ISU, IU, Purdue, Ivy Tech, or BSU like the majority of kids from my class did. And to those friends I ask, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU? It's like you don't exist anymore or something. Geez. :/ I know I'm not the only one who went out of state for school, so I don't understand why we aren't talking more to try to cope together with leaving. No, it's not a big deal being so far from home, but yes, it is nice to have some good old friends who have my back in case I don't feel comfortable here. Luckily, I do love Hollins, so that's not a problem. But come on. I've heard from probably four different friends, including my boyfriend, from Indiana. This is just ridiculous. I feel unloved. The only reason I ever even have new Facebook notifications anymore is because of all my new friends at school. That is just, simply put, pathetic. I miss you guys!!

Anyway, this was a pretty blah blog today. I just felt like I needed to post something new. I've got to head to choir though anyway, but will hopefully be posting more often now that I actually have a reason to get on the computer as much as I do. Anyway, BYE.