"I want it to be inconvenient; I want to sacrifice my life for it. I want the kind of love that wakes me up at 3am. I want love that hurts, love that I have to work for. I want love that tests me. I want the kind of love that is hard to find, and hard to keep and never easy. I want the kind of love where you get hurt. I want love that makes me cry. I want to hold on even if it takes me through my worst nightmare. But most of all I want the kind of love that's worth it."
Admit it. You've felt that way before. I'm not afraid to say that I have too. People always tell you how amazing love is. And after hearing it so much you just have to wonder if it's true. How does it feel to be in love? The feeling is indescribable. Even the best poets don't do it justice, not by a long shot.
"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."
It's true though. Allowing yourself to love someone is opening yourself up for possible heartbreak. You're at your most vulnerable point, and are just trusting that the other person won't take the advantage of the opportunity and rip your heart out. It's scary. Intimidating. But if you can't be open with someone, you're going to feel lonely and much worse off, most likely. Risking everything means you might lose it all. And that's okay. Because at least you'll know you tried, right? You can only fail if you give up. So take a chance. Maybe you'll get hurt. But maybe the pain is worth it. Maybe after it's all said and done you'll understand everything just a little better. Maybe it will work out and you'll live happily ever after. Okay, so the last one probably isn't true. But there's nothing wrong with having a positive outlook on life.
“Falling in love with someone isn't always going to be easy... Anger... tears... laughter.. It's when you want to be together despite it all. That's when you truly love another. I'm sure of it.”
Nothing to say to this one. It says it all for me.
“It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no 'exit' signs in love, there is only an 'on' ramp."
I feel like this is one of the most true quotes I've read so far. I don't know about any of you, but I used the excuse "I fell out of love" once before. It's all a lie. Once you love someone, that's that. If you really do love them, there's always going to be a part of you that will. They fill a void in you and stay there for the rest of your life. There is no purging yourself of that. If things don't work out, it's not because you don't love them. It's because of other things that got in the way. But if you love them enough, you won't let those things get in the way, no matter how difficult it gets. You'll keep trying endlessly because that's what you do when you love someone. You don't just let them go. You try and try and try, and that's all there is to it.
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
Now I'm starting to wonder how all of these people who wrote these things can state it so well... They know how to say the truth and make you sit there nodding your head saying, "Yep, that's exactly how I feel!" As much as I dislike these things this quote mentions, I still love love. The good has to outweigh the bad eventually, right? Isn't that how it's supposed to work?
“Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.”
I think after all that has happened, I'm finally starting to get this all through my head. Before, it was always about me. I didn't care about what he wanted or how he felt. I cared about getting what I wanted, and making myself happy. And now I can see how childish that was of me. What was I thinking? I ruined something that had the potential to be great, all because of my selfishness. Your happiness is more important than mine is to me. All I want is for you to have everything you've ever wanted. Maybe that's not me. If that's the case, I'll live with that. I'd rather things stay just as they are than to make you unhappy again.
Oh, dear... it looks like I'm growing up. Better go watch some Disney Channel to age me down a bit.
Goodnight. :)
07 September 2010
01 September 2010
amor vincit omnia
When I appear to be spacing out, I'm actually just lost in deep thought.
I wonder about things I probably shouldn't be thinking about. I wonder about you...
When you met me, what was going through your head?
How much pain did I cause you the first time? The second? The third?
Why did I ever let myself do that to someone I care so much about?
Did things ever really change between us, or was I imagining things?
Did this happen because I was unhappy being with you, or because I was unhappy with being myself?
Did you ever even notice how much I was hurting, or how much I still do?
Do you realize that when I was with anyone else all I thought about was you?
Can anyone out there see it in my eyes?
Am I that good at hiding this, or do people just not care?
When you decided to leave, did you even consider how it would make me feel?
Did you just assume I'd wait all that time, alone?
Did you know that even though I was upset, I still wasn't going to let go that easily?
When I smile at them, do they know I'm smilling because I'm thinking of you?
Am I the only one of us who still cares?
When I tried to forget, could you sense how much I still remembered?
After all the different ways I've tried to let this go, why can't I?
Have you given up on this already?
What do I have to do to prove myself?
Do you know how difficult it's been to keep this all to myself?
I feel like I shouldn't post this. This would prove how weak I really am, even though I've had many people tell me I'm strong. Honestly, I'm not nearly as strong as I try to be. I'm still hurting guys that are interested in me, even though I've tried to stop. I've taken a lot of criticism from a lot of people who dislike me for "playing" with peoples' emotions. This was never my intention. I don't mean to hurt anyone. In the end, I'm only hurting myself. If you've ever been caught up in my mess of a personal life, I am sincerely sorry. It was never anything personal, I swear. And after growing up a little more the past few months, I've learned a lot of things that are helping me see what I want out of life.
When it comes to relationships, I've watched myself make mistake after mistake with all the wrong guys. I finally found someone who makes me feel whole, but I let others convince me that he wasn't what I really wanted. Some people try to convince him the same about me, but he never listened. If he was strong enough to follow his heart, then why couldn't I? Why was I weak enough to believe people who I probably won't remember twenty years from now? How could I ever let something go when it was the only thing that ever really made sense as a part of my life?
I don't know how long it will take to straighten this chaos out. I don't know if a lifetime will be long enough. I don't know if I am even going to be given another chance to make it right, like I tried to do so many times before. But no relationship is perfect; there will always be disagreements, jealousy, and a little bit of possessiveness. I don't want a perfect relationship though. I just want YOU. I tried to be with other people, but nobody seemed as right for me as you do. People can say what they want about how I feel about you, the things I've put you through, and just me in general. But they aren't us. They don't control us or our feelings. They have no right to judge us or our complicated relationship. What happens between us is just between me and you. And anyone who thinks differently needs to get over it.
You know I'm going to screw up... a lot. That's just how I am, and you know that. But I will try my hardest not to. I'm going to get upset about stupid things, but so will you. We'll just have to try our best to make this work. If you're willing to put in the effort, then so am I. I don't care how busy we both are, how often we'll get to see each other. I just want to know that you're there for me, just like I'll be here for you. If we could make it through the past nearly two years, we can make it through anything. As Nicholas Sparks said in The Notebook, "So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday."
"I am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone requires a leap of faith, and that a soft landing is never guaranteed." - Sarah Dessen
I've also come to that realization, and I'm okay with that. This is me taking a leap of faith. Publicly, of all places to do so. I don't care who reads this or what they may think about this. Maybe I'm making a fool of myself. If so, fantastic. I'm willing to look stupid for you. I will do whatever it takes because I know I was meant to be with you. I can feel it... it's like this ache in my bones. There's just a part of me that hasn't been able to move on because I feel like I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to stay right here with you. This is right where I belong. Maybe I won't make a soft landing from this cliff I'm walking off of, but that's okay. I'm just hoping with everything I have that you'll be at the bottom, waiting to catch me when I fall.
Ich liebe dich zur Sonne und zurueck; We haven't even made it there yet, but if we ever do get that far, let's stay there so we never have to come back to the ending.
I wonder about things I probably shouldn't be thinking about. I wonder about you...
When you met me, what was going through your head?
How much pain did I cause you the first time? The second? The third?
Why did I ever let myself do that to someone I care so much about?
Did things ever really change between us, or was I imagining things?
Did this happen because I was unhappy being with you, or because I was unhappy with being myself?
Did you ever even notice how much I was hurting, or how much I still do?
Do you realize that when I was with anyone else all I thought about was you?
Can anyone out there see it in my eyes?
Am I that good at hiding this, or do people just not care?
When you decided to leave, did you even consider how it would make me feel?
Did you just assume I'd wait all that time, alone?
Did you know that even though I was upset, I still wasn't going to let go that easily?
When I smile at them, do they know I'm smilling because I'm thinking of you?
Am I the only one of us who still cares?
When I tried to forget, could you sense how much I still remembered?
After all the different ways I've tried to let this go, why can't I?
Have you given up on this already?
What do I have to do to prove myself?
Do you know how difficult it's been to keep this all to myself?
I feel like I shouldn't post this. This would prove how weak I really am, even though I've had many people tell me I'm strong. Honestly, I'm not nearly as strong as I try to be. I'm still hurting guys that are interested in me, even though I've tried to stop. I've taken a lot of criticism from a lot of people who dislike me for "playing" with peoples' emotions. This was never my intention. I don't mean to hurt anyone. In the end, I'm only hurting myself. If you've ever been caught up in my mess of a personal life, I am sincerely sorry. It was never anything personal, I swear. And after growing up a little more the past few months, I've learned a lot of things that are helping me see what I want out of life.
When it comes to relationships, I've watched myself make mistake after mistake with all the wrong guys. I finally found someone who makes me feel whole, but I let others convince me that he wasn't what I really wanted. Some people try to convince him the same about me, but he never listened. If he was strong enough to follow his heart, then why couldn't I? Why was I weak enough to believe people who I probably won't remember twenty years from now? How could I ever let something go when it was the only thing that ever really made sense as a part of my life?
I don't know how long it will take to straighten this chaos out. I don't know if a lifetime will be long enough. I don't know if I am even going to be given another chance to make it right, like I tried to do so many times before. But no relationship is perfect; there will always be disagreements, jealousy, and a little bit of possessiveness. I don't want a perfect relationship though. I just want YOU. I tried to be with other people, but nobody seemed as right for me as you do. People can say what they want about how I feel about you, the things I've put you through, and just me in general. But they aren't us. They don't control us or our feelings. They have no right to judge us or our complicated relationship. What happens between us is just between me and you. And anyone who thinks differently needs to get over it.
You know I'm going to screw up... a lot. That's just how I am, and you know that. But I will try my hardest not to. I'm going to get upset about stupid things, but so will you. We'll just have to try our best to make this work. If you're willing to put in the effort, then so am I. I don't care how busy we both are, how often we'll get to see each other. I just want to know that you're there for me, just like I'll be here for you. If we could make it through the past nearly two years, we can make it through anything. As Nicholas Sparks said in The Notebook, "So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday."
"I am coming to terms with the fact that loving someone requires a leap of faith, and that a soft landing is never guaranteed." - Sarah Dessen
I've also come to that realization, and I'm okay with that. This is me taking a leap of faith. Publicly, of all places to do so. I don't care who reads this or what they may think about this. Maybe I'm making a fool of myself. If so, fantastic. I'm willing to look stupid for you. I will do whatever it takes because I know I was meant to be with you. I can feel it... it's like this ache in my bones. There's just a part of me that hasn't been able to move on because I feel like I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to stay right here with you. This is right where I belong. Maybe I won't make a soft landing from this cliff I'm walking off of, but that's okay. I'm just hoping with everything I have that you'll be at the bottom, waiting to catch me when I fall.
Ich liebe dich zur Sonne und zurueck; We haven't even made it there yet, but if we ever do get that far, let's stay there so we never have to come back to the ending.
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