Decoding Text Messages

This may not necessarily apply to every person you encounter, but it at least is what I'm trying to get across to people when I send certain things to them via text messaging. So here we go...

I say: hi
I mean: I have no idea why you're bothering to talk to me because we both know I have other things I'd rather be doing. Like sticking a hot blade in my eye.
-OR-
This is really awkward that you want to have a conversation. Please get your point across fast or I'm going to make up some kindof excuse to stop talking.

I say: hello
I mean: I don't have much to say to you unless you have something to say to me. And I don't want you to know that I don't feel like talking to you, so I'm not going to say "hi", I'll say this instead.

I say: hey
I mean: I have something to say to you. It may or may not be important, but I need to tell you while it's on my mind or I'll forget.
-OR-
You started a conversation, and I feel you're worthy of my attention, or I'm completely bored and have no one else to talk to right now.

I say: hey there
I mean: I'm excited to be talking to you and definitely want to keep the conversation going. If followed by a winky or smiley face, I'm being flirtatious.

**All greeting meanings are subject to change if followed by an exclamation point (!) or smiley/winky face :) ;). In which case, they would all then mean more or less that I am happy you want to talk to me because I want to talk to you too.

I say: k
I mean: I don't care what else you have to say. I'm pissed off and don't want to talk to you or about this anymore.

I say: ok
I mean: Okay. I probably am just shortening the word because I'm too lazy to finish it due to more important things on my mind, or because of a character limit.

I say: okay
I mean: Alright. You have my attention. I understand what you're trying to tell me.
-OR-
This is sometimes used in a questioning way, as in "Why aren't you responding the way I want you to?". And I'm confused and don't understand what you're trying to get across or what your motives are. This occurs when the use of elipses follows. i.e. "Okay..."

I say: lol
I mean: That was somewhat funny, but only enough to make me laugh in my head. Try harder next time if you're trying to be funny on purpose.
-OR-
That actually made me crack a smile. **This is only when followed by a smiley face.

I say: lmao
I mean: I'm not necessarily literally laughing, but that was funny enough that I thought it deserved more of an emphasis on the laughter.

I say: lmfao
I mean: I most likely literally laughed out loud. Whatever you did or said what hilarious and made me chuckle. :)

I say: xD or XD
I mean: I find that funny. (This is a type of smiley, for those who aren't aware.)

I say: xP or XP
I mean: I'm just joking with you. Don't get upset or take offense to anything I say.

I say: :/
I mean: I'm a little upset about something. Not too big of a deal.

I say: D:
I mean: I'm shocked.

I say: >:(
I mean: I'm super frustrated, borderline angry about something.

I say: :(
I mean: I'm sorry.
-OR-
I feel bad/sad.

I say: D:<
I mean: I'm super pissed to the point where I will chew your head off if you say the wrong thing.

I say: ughh
I mean: That frustrates me and is really annoying.

I say: omg
I mean: Something major must've happened to make me mad enough to even say this. I'm flipping out about something hardcore.

I say: ....
I mean: I have more to say, but I was interrupted by a character limit.
-OR-
I have more to say, but am afraid to say it because I don't know how you'll react to it.

I say: haha (or any variation thereof)
I mean: That's humorous to some extent.
-OR-
I'm just laughing to make you feel better about yourself.

I say: i love you
I mean: I love you, and I mean it. **With the exception of following a laughing expression, i.e. haha i love you. In which case, it means you're funny and that's why I like to hang out with you. :)

I say: love you
I mean: If said first, I probably made you feel bad and I'm trying to apologize without saying sorry.
-OR-
If said in response, i.e. "love you too", I'm mad at you and telling me you love me isn't going to make it magically go away.

I say: love ya
I mean: I care about you, and want you to know it. But I don't feel enough of an attachment to you for me to say I love you.
-OR-
You're probably just a really close friend, or part of my family. And I feel this response is better for that use.

I say: ily
I mean: I'm too lazy to type out "I love you", because I probably don't mean it super literally. I just mean you're a good friend and I care about you a lot.

I say: ? or ..?
I mean: I don't understand what you're telling me. You either confused me or something you said just doesn't make sense. Try to explain your meaning to me, because I'm just not getting it.
-OR-
I understand what you said and mean, but I don't know WHY you are saying it.

If you reply with one word, I will not respond. If you don't feel the need to say anything more than what you just said, then why should I bother trying to uphold a conversation? You obviously have nothing more to say, so neither do I.

If I reply with one word, I definitely want to end the conversation. I either just don't feel like talking, or I'm busy. So don't take personal offense to me replying with just one word.

I guess that's it. I'm sure there's more things I say that I didn't mention in here, but this a big majority of the things and phrases I use. If you ever have a question about something I say, just ask. :)