I've forgotten how to write.

I've forgotten how to write.
I don't remember how a poem is crafted.
Does it have to rhyme?
How does the punctuation work?
What the hell are stanzas for?
If I can't tell you what I mean
How am I supposed to show you?
Would it help if I
Broke up the lines,
Guided you through
Word by word letter by letter?
Surely that seems to be
A tiny, itty bit better?
(Bad rhymes? Okay, I'll fix it later.)
Excessive adjectives can be thrown out.
But tell me,
How can I begin to describe without
Adjectives?
Every line keeps getting
Scribbled out.
No good, no good, no good.
See?
I've forgotten how to write.

Who am I living for?

Write. I keep telling myself to write. Keep telling myself that I will. That I'm just busy right now. Busy with school. With work. Relationships.Too busy to have time to write.

I used to write. All the time, actually. My thoughts, my feelings. I wrote about my fears, my accomplishments, my mistakes. My life.

I don't write anymore. No, I'm not too busy. I'm lazy. Tired. Burnt out. I wrote for ten years. Poetry, short stories, memoirs, letters. I wrote those things for me, until I didn't. Until one day I realized I was writing because it was expected. Because that's what I was told to do. Because that's what they wanted. Not what I wanted.

What I want doesn't matter. Not anymore. I'm trapped in a life that isn't even my own. It's the result of others' hopes and dreams. They created this life I live. I do what I am told, what they expect me to do. I do not question aloud, do not say no. I can't. Not unless I want to become a disappointment. Another dream that did not work out. A failure.

I want to be happy. I make others happy instead. I pretend their happiness is equivalent to my own. I let them live vicariously through me. I do not live. Not really. This life is not mine. It's theirs.

Boy Meets World always had the best life lessons.

I miss the days when TV was mostly shows like Full House, Boy Meets World, or 7th Heaven. These shows and others like them actually were wholesome, and you could watch them with the family without worrying about them influencing children in a negative way. There were always lessons to be learned, no matter what age you were when you watched them. Lately, I've been watching Boy Meets World a lot in the afternoons when they play episodes on MTV2. One of the episodes today had one of the greatest lessons about love that I've ever learned.

*After Cory's parents have a huge (pretend) fight and make up immediately*

Cory: What just happened here?
Topanga: You two just said horrible things to each other, then got all lovey-dovey.
Cory: Hey! I was gonna say that! How come you say that when I was gonna say that?
Topanga: Who cares who says it as long as it gets said?
Cory: Then what are we arguing about?
Topanga: ...we sound like them.
Cory: Oh no, we do. [To his parents] W-why do we sound like you?
Shawn: Because you love each other. No matter what crazy things he says or does, you still love each other.
Cory: Then why did we break up?
Shawn: Because we're in high school, and you think you're supposed to.
Amy: But when two people are really in love, it doesn't matter that they're in disagreement sometimes. It comes with the territory.
Alan: Now when two people are really in love, they don't break up just because they have a fight. Love would be pretty dull if you agreed about everything.
Amy: Besides, then they'd never get to make up.


I don't think I need to say much else about that.

What a Mess

Last semester when I posted about wanting to drop out of college, I think a lot of people thought I was kidding. At first it did seem like a rash decision, something I rushed into way too quickly, and everyone convinced me to stay and give it some time. Eventually I started to think that perhaps it was just the fact that I felt so alone and depressed being so far from home without my friends or family, and also because of the recent breakup I had gone through. I thought maybe coming home and going to school out here would fix things. I was having massive panic attacks and felt slightly better once I decided to transfer. Things started to seem okay.

Once I moved back, I realized how different things actually were. Work wasn't the same, home wasn't the same, school wasn't the same, people weren't the same. I missed the way things used to be, and I knew it could never go back to that. It was still somewhat comforting at first though, being in a familiar place with familiar faces. But everything had changed for those few short months while I was gone. Commuting to school didn't help any, because I felt like I was always in class, driving, or at work. Things were just extremely lonely all over again. On top of that, my parents gave me a year to get out of their house. My solution? Move out right then. So I did. I figured being in Bloomington would help because I could get a job out here, live near campus, and actually have time to make friends and hang out with them. I figured it would help with the loneliness. It did, and didn't. I'm still lonely.

I decided to stay in school at first because my parents wouldn't let me move back home unless I was going to school full-time. As soon as I moved out to Bloomington though, I dropped a class and became a part-time student, because I was failing. And now I'm failing all my other classes. I'm so far behind I couldn't catch up even if I was motivated to, and honestly it doesn't even bother me. I feel like a degree isn't necessary for me, as bad as that sounds. School is just one of those things that we are expected to do. But I don't need to live up to the expectations of society. If I'm happy with my life, that's all that matters, and I truly believe that. Right now, being in school, I'm so far from happy. And the only way to possibly come closer to fixing that problem is by dropping out. Go ahead and tell me I'm a disappointment. Tell me I'm not good enough and won't get far in life. It won't be the first time I've heard it. But a degree doesn't measure your intelligence. And any employer that feels that it does, is not the kind of person I would want to work for anyway.

I've become exactly the person I used to look down on. I've grown to be something I swore I'd never be. But isn't that what happens? College changes everyone, whether for the good or bad. And although the old me used to think I was better than the type of person that the current me is, I don't see these changes as a bad thing. I'm finding that I'm just living life and learning. I didn't really have "fun" in highschool. I was too busy working my ass off to get through everything and be the person everyone expected me to be. So recently I've been experimenting with things that I used to think were absolutely terrible. And honestly? They aren't that bad. So I've started smoking. Big deal. I drink sometimes. Whatever. I'm working two jobs and managing to pay my bills on time, and that counts for a lot.

So what if I'm not capable of going through school? Half the people who enroll in college end up dropping out anyway. My life choices currently do not affect anyone but myself, so why do people keep giving me so much crap for everything? If I want to drop out, that's my decision, not yours. I don't want to waste the time, money, and effort on a degree that I don't want or won't even use. I used to be so driven and knew exactly what I wanted in life, but now I'm not so sure. And I'm not about to waste so much on school when it's not the right thing for me in life right now. Society makes us think that it's a requirement now to have a college degree. Society makes us think that the majority of people are going to college immediately after highschool graduation. But it's all a bunch of bullshit. Most of my friends aren't in college. Most adults I know (aside from teachers) either haven't gone, or are just now going back because they're ready to. I hate being pushed into doing something just because it will please someone else, especially when it's something that doesn't please me.

I understand this is going to be a huge slap in the face to my parents. And that sucks. That's the one thing that kept me in this semester for as long as it's been. I hate disappointing them, especially when they have such high expectations of me and know the things I'm capable of. I've always been the academic one in their eyes, and it really sucks because that's a lot of pressure on me to do well in school. And the fact that I'm failing out? It kills me to even think about the day that I'll be forced to tell them about this. I'm being judged enough by peers and other family already, I don't want to be subject to their judgment as well. They've worked so hard to get me and my sisters to the point where college was not only an option, but practically an obligation. And to throw it all back in their face and say, "Just kidding! I'm quitting school!"? That's probably the worst thing I will ever do in my life. It hurts my heart physically to even think about the look on their faces when they find out. I remember the day they dropped me off in Virginia and set me up in my dorm. The look on my dad's face... he looked so proud of me. I almost cried because I couldn't remember a time when I'd ever seen him look at me that way before. So to think about the opposite? I just.. I can't.

So, I've emailed my instructors and informed them of my mental health problems and told them I would not be back for the remainder of the semester. I do not intend to go back next semester either. And hopefully this depression gets better with time, because I absolutely hate medication and do not want to be put on it. I just need a break from everything. And in a year or two, hopefully I'll have saved up enough and paid off enough of my loans that I can pack up and leave and head east or west with Tara. We'll flip a coin and go from there. Maybe this is a bad decision to everyone else, but to me it feels right. Let's hope my instincts can be trusted.